"The Michael Terrell Chronicle" - Alec Kerr

For many people spring break means killing like 3 half g’s and waking up with puke all over yourself behind Edgewater, taking down an O in 2 days and realizing you weren’t fully prepared, and striking out consistently with bitties yet coming back with a story of how you pulled off the Philly Fakeout and The Casper from the 11^th floor balcony. For the crew of the 0.0 Experiment our broke ass spring break consisted of Nerd Bashing, endlessly searching for bitties, and trying to make the Guiness world record for largest Miller High Life pyramid as Reggie and I embarked on a journey to Indy. As we pulled out of Reggie’s driveway and set about to the week we had been tirelessly waiting for, Mellencamp decided to make an ill advised comment that he could party harder than me. A bold statement even for Kiel, who could? I mean I do have like 15 game balls from little league (somehow correlated to how many people think George Lopez is funny). Clutch shot after clutch shot in beer pong, busting my ass trying to hop Pat’s fence, and passing out sitting straight up with a turkey sandwhich in my hand was a sure sign I had outdone Reggie and most likely made for the more memorable moments of the night. Little did I know Michael Terrell has higher standards than I since I woke up to a text that said “boy do I have a story for the blog”. This tale cannot be told any other way than the words of Terrell himself.

“So I was trying to do doughnuts in the wet grass of Spring Mill School at 4:30 in the morning and got stuck in about a foot of mud. I ran approximately 1.5 miles back to the Kennedy household and got Connor, Pat, and Ruff. We tried to push it out but it was too deep. This was becoming an issue since people started getting to school around 7. In total desperation I call “Poor Man’s Towing” which is a ghetto dude in a truck that meets me instantly and asks 0 questions to why I am in the back lawn of a school at 6 in the morning. Throw him a smooth $120 and he pulls me out, just in time to hit the car wash and roll home about 8 a.m., avoiding definite grounding and probably some legal trouble for destruction of private property. INTENSE”

Since I was burping up Miller High Life, zebra cakes, Lemon Kush, and my turkey sandwhich it’s easy to tell I was in a state of confusion and I had a lot of things running through my head. First, I’m not sure what Terrell’s reasoning of doing doughnuts at 4:30 in a school’s yard (by himself I might add). But I’m sure as hell glad that he did. I was also baffled by the fact Wil was never on Fear Factor since obviously he was built for it and his only strengths are the exact ones needed to have “fear not be a factor for you”. Also I couldn’t help but think why does my mom call me every morning and complain that I wake up too late? (Seriously mom I scheduled my earliest class at 2:30 for the sole purpose that I can be in prime time for nick at nite, get off my back). Why can’t I hunt worth shit and how come my family dies of cholera before I even make it to St. Louis in Oregon Trail? And why does Lucas O’Rear for Northern Iowa look so much like the villain of the disney channel movie “For the Luck of The Irish? My wandering mind though, was interrupted by my churning stomach, worsening headache, and the sewer smell of Wil walking up the stairs.

If you are still with me after that bullshit filled paragraph, thank you, but realize it doesn’t get any better. After that eventful night I figured my spring break would be similar to my bracket, sure the first night was pretty good but it’s pretty unrealistic for Morgan State to make a final four run and there probably wont be 30 upsets. Luckily Cory invited us to come down to Bellarmine, which at first I was reluctant since the smarter the girl the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass, but eventually the idea of finding some new bitties and bashing some true nerds won me over. Since Bellarmine wasn’t on their spring break Kiel, Cory, and myself decided to be the only ones going hard on that Wednesday night. Even though finding a complete box set of Boy Meets World was awesome and made me realize I took getting to watch it everyday for granted, I wanted to see what Bellarmine had to offer. As the night wore down and the search for bitties had gone awry it was time to play hard ball. Obviously the two girls outside the residence halls weren’t 0.0 Experiment fans since the “do you know who we are?” didn’t work like we somehow thought it would.

I began to think at what point does our blog popularity rise us to that status? At what point can I put “not being Reggie Kiel” under my strengths for a job application and the employer know exactly what I’m talking about? When will I make some money so I can quit buying bologna all the time, the handjob of meats? I mean it’s evident by the quality of the blogs and all of our supporters (Kevin Sheehan, Ruff’s mom, and everyone in Sound Garden) that one day we will reach that status, and I try to think about the route of my career before it all hits me at once and I end up like Aaron Carter.

Naturally I’d like to get some things accomplished. Like having a beef with J Kwon, it would be purely for publicity though because honestly “Tipsy” is one of my favorite songs closely followed by “Some Say Love”. Another thing I’d make sure to do is kick it with Will Smith. Will Smith might be one of the biggest superstars on the planet and even though Fresh Prince of Bel Air is one of my favorite shows, I’m a huge fan, not because of his acting, but his career behind the mic. He absolutely kills Miami, and if you weren’t an owner of his CD “Big Willie Style”, then God bless you because it was pure genius. Odds are though, instead I’ll be doing my usual routine of sitting at home making fun of high school kids then realizing I acted just like those tools in my early days at New Albany….But if for some reason you’re watching TMZ and you see some douche stepping out of a Hummer with Will Smith, saying “you talkin shit?” to J Kwon, bashing some nerds, and yelling “wassup bitties” then don’t be surprised when it’s the same kid that uses Ask.com as his search engine, lives for GoldenEye, and reps the shit out of America that they are making fun of, Alec Kerr. My facebook status will accordingly be “I told you so”.

Evident from my post “Blame Canada” myself along with Ruff, Kiel, and Van Dyke might be some of, if not the biggest supporters of America out there. So one last thing I’d like to touch on, the top 10 reasons I love America so much.

1. The Mullet, the 10-90 (10% in front 90% in back), The Tennesse Tophat, The Mississippi Mudflap, The Canadian Passport, Business Cut (business in the front, party in the back), The Whorehouse Cut, The Riverside Cut,The Ape Drape, The Camaro Crash Helmet, The Kentucky Waterfall, The Wrestlemania, The Missouri Compromise, The LPGA, The Achey Brakey Big Mistakey, The 7, The Beaver Paddle, The Neck Warmer, The Shorty Longback, The Louisiana Purchase, The Long Island Ice Tea, The Schlong (short in front, long in back). This may be, is, the worst haircut of all time, yet people (extremely American people) wear it and still get laid.
2. Post game riots. I live for this shit. Respected communities getting burned, smashed, and vandalized. Whenever your city’s team makes it to a big game you’ve drank enough grain alcohol to where you are starting a riot, win or lose. The weird combination of testorerone, anger, and booze casuses you to have the mindset that if we win, we break something, if we lose we break something. Often times this ends in a resisting arrest charge because in that state of mind when the cop is trying to arrest you the “don’t fuck with me you don’t realize what I’ve just been through” mentality kicks in.
3. Girl Scout cookies. After a session of burning some L’s I can honestly say there is nothing better than opening your pantry and seeing a box of Tagalongs.
4. Snuggies. Being able to eat, change the channel, text, and for Ruff, jerk it, all while being simotaneously warmed is amazing.
5. Aicha Smile. When Wil won’t go to random houses and pee in their pools and Reggie won’t go to the nursing home and hit on old ladies with me I sometimes feel like it’s the end of the world. Then I watch that kid ruin his high school career and realize it could be a lot worse.
6. Most days I’m pissed off. I used tell my first two professors to suck it everyday and threw my pink lemonade in Reggie’s face when he would say “I see you’re bringin’ the V-Neck back” at lunch. Now I just watch Zach Galifinakis’ “Can’t Tell Me Nothin’” video every morning when I wake up. Only in America could a fat, 40 year old guy who hasn’t graduated from college have the free time to make that and still make millions of dollars.
7. John Mellencamp. Reggie said I had to put him on here or he’s keeping my hoodie. John did sing Pink houses and that shit is about American as you can get so I guess he legitamately makes the list.
8. Tailgating. What’s better than a Saturday afternoon drinking all day? I’ll tell you, a Saturday afternoon where I can Nerd Bash, see people throw up on the side of the road and no one be concerned or confused, get hammered, dance with bitties on the bed of trucks (until they realize who it is), all followed by a game of football. Sure IU loses most of their games but the guy who got arrested for unrooting some bleachers and throwing them over the side of the stadium against Ohio State can tell you we have a great time regardless.
9. Nascar. Plain and simple I hate Nascar, but if you have ever been to a Nascar race you will see a mixture of some of the more American things in life. For example, mullets are everywhere, beer seems like it is endlessly flowing, riots are possibilities, and tailgating is a must. I could give two shits about who actually wins the race, yet being at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway on race day is like a parade for everything America has to offer.
10. Last but not least, beer. As Benjamin Franklin once said “Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy”. Couldn’t have said it better myself, there’s nothing better than sitting down with a refreshing Miller High Life. Miller High Life you ask? If it’s good enough for my hero Kenny Powers it’s good enough for me, plus I drink it for the same reason I buy my dress clothes at Wal Mart, I like to keep it classy.

"SURE I'VE BEEN CALLED A XENOPHOBE,BUT THE TRUTH IS I'M NOT. I HONESTLY JUST FEEL THAT AMERICA IS THE BEST COUNTRY AND ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIES AREN'T AS GOOD. THAT USED TO BE CALLED PATRIOTISM."