Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Like many of you I spent my time relentlessly searching for adderall and getting sympathy from my family thinking I was living at the library. Finally, so Alex “Whitey” Miller will stop bitching here it is…..
There are a few questions people will ask throughout time, and most will go unanswered, like: Why for 6 months of my high school career did I climb out of the sunroof of my car to get out instead of using the door? Why is this guy so awesome? Why do people laugh at me when I ride my Razor scooter to class? And why are Ruff, Reggie, Van Dyke, and myself so patriotic? (on a scale of 1 to Larry the cable guy we are more American than this girl by the way) Maybe because America has so much to love, Seinfeld was “about nothing” and became one of TV’s greatest shows. Fantasy sports, only in America can watching your favorite players turn into an obsession and make you hate Larry Johnson because he had to spit in the drink of that lady in 08’, get suspended 4 games, and cost me 20 dollars. COPS, possibly the greatest show ever, it will never get old, and if you watch in the coming years you might see Wil Van Dyke. Most importantly it is easy to love America because of our dominance in the Olympics.
As Ruff was in Indy making out with the girl who went stag to prom and still has braces, Reggie and I spent most of our time starting U-S-A chants, watching America control the medal scene, and making fun of the lame events. First off Luge and Skeleton, as far as I’m concerned are the same thing, and make me feel like I could be an Olympic athlete. Although those would be the last events I would compete in because the Skeleton is the gay man's Luge. Luge, on the other hand, is also the gay man's Luge. Curling has practically won over everyone’s heart, watching it makes me want to start my own team, especially when I saw they get a bigger crowd than Stavros Flately. (I found myself becoming a secret Denmark curling fan after I saw their hot curlers that reminded me of Becky “Icebox” O’shea, sure they are a little manly but I’m sure they clean up nice.)
The main event of the Olympics had to be the U.S. vs. Canada hockey game. I can’t decide what is less American, Reggie almost sleeping through the game, no one on my floor joining in on my U-S-A chants, or no one on my floor wanting to body paint an American flag on me (I may possibly live on the least patriotic floor at IU, which is sad but alright because I make up for it). The first period was akward since I don’t usually watch hockey I had the “you’re pretty far away, I’m not sure if I should hold the door, but I’ll feel like an ass if I don’t” feeling until I got into it. As I can assume many of us were watching the game, so there is no need for recollection (unless you live on Delgado ground floor, since none of you communism loving bastards watched it). Plain and simple Sidney Crosby is the devil spawn. I’m not sure how many true fans of Sidney Crosby there are out there, but in my eyes he is public enemy #1. Since he plays in the NHL I feel like the only solution is the opposing team should check him into the board on any chance they have, hit him with the stick at least once a game, and face guard him the whole game, ultimately ruining his career and making everyone realize America cannot be fucked with. And to Canada, honestly you can have the gold, at least we have a summer. If you want to brag about this win for the next 4 years go ahead, we took you to overtime in the sport you created. If your “football” league wants to take on the NFL, I’m sure you’ll see me front row hitting a Sidney Crosby piñata, drinking a beer, wearing this, and checking my phone to make sure Danica Patrick didn’t break the top 20 in the NASCAR race.
Many people have been asking me “Alec with your rising consideration for America, what’s your next step?” It’s a toss up right now. Sure I might end up on Tool Academy or Real World where I’m the unanimously hated douche that everyone wants out, but after some soul searching I change my ways, make amends, and win the hearts of millions. Followed by some rough years of partying, contracting STD’s, and having a sex tape get “leaked” which sparks my down fall. No one wants to see a washed up party animal, so luckily I get invited to be on the new installation of Surreal Life, get myself clean, and become America’s sweetheart again. I’ll be ending my career as the host of Survivor: Brooklyn, also known as Cracker Hunt, where 20 racist white people are placed in the heart of Brooklyn and compete in challenges for cash and immunity, letting contestants vote off other tribe members until one remains and becomes the “Soul Survivor”.
Another scenario is me getting the most patriotic job there is, the President of the United States. Now after the 0.0 my chances are unlikely but I’m sure I can manipulate some people in our government, sell the prized pokemon edition N64, or seduce several high ranking women to get myself in the cabinet. Naturally, it wouldn’t take me long to get rid of a lot of problems, as my first act I would rid of crime in this easy process. The Olsen twins, obviously great actors, cause me to watch countless hours of Full House and made Switching Goals one of my top 5 movies, after watching it last week. What does this have to do with anything? Well if you take these acting prodigies and put them on CSI, it will undoubtedly be the most watched show on TV. If you haven’t seen CSI lately, after watching it you won’t ever want to commit a crime, since they successfully find every culprit in a timely fashion, thus ridding of crime across the country.
Although most likely I’ll end up living in the trailer park much like my heroes Julian, Ricky, and Bubbles off of Trailer Park boys (the only good thing to come out of Canada). I’ll spend my days playing Golden Eye on 64, thinking of ridiculous get rich quick schemes, and waiting for the day Brett or Ted make the NFL and I can live in their basement playing Madden 18 hours out of the day. Making it to the Madden Challenge would be the obvious outcome, finally making something out of myself after the long road to success.
Several questions have been answered today and I only have an answer for one more. I’m sure in 20 years you’ll be asking yourself 1 of 3. Why the hell is there a 33rd year of survivor and why is this tool hosting it? Why would they let this idiot have a say in our government? Or why is this worthless dude digging in my trash? Well just know it all started when Canada beat the United States in Hockey back in 2010, so don’t blame me, blame Canada.
Coming soon: Premature E-Shaqulators results in the intramural tournament. After two games I haven’t blogged about we remain undefeated, yet we are no longer in the tournament, and Pat Kennedy was ejected from a game and will not be hooking up with the HYPER worker that threw him out. Just a preview of the blog to come.
"Sure I've been called a xenophobe,but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism."
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