Before I get to the Premature E-Shaqulators latest game in the tournament, I have to say a few things about Wil Van Dyke’s latest trip to IU.
Wil left many things behind here after his weekend trainwreck. He forgot half of his clothes in my room, his phone somewhere in Bloomington, vomit in several places, hearts across campus aching, and most importantly he left his dignity. Of course, always following Wil around, Ruff made the trek too. Although Ruff’s night was cut short when 5 shots and a pinch of Grizzly wintergreen caused him to spend the rest of it puking in his car like a 13 year old whose balls haven't dropped that he is (almost as embarrassing as WVD the proclaimed “worst basketball player ever” beating him one on one last week). There was some intense partying that ensued upon Van Dyke’s return, and contrary to my beliefs people actually missed him (shout out to the 2nd and Washington party for showin’ more love to the blog than the Rugrats had for Reptar). I can only imagine what stories we will have after spring break. A whole week of partying, nerdbashing, and having Wil one-up his jackass video…..My dream.
If you are 1 of the 6 people who care about the Shaqulators then you are in luck because the tournament got juicy last week. Obviously we were on a clear path to the championship with Pat dropping 30 a game, Reggie and Bryson cheering us on from the sidelines, and me doing my best James Catusco impression. Naturally, I had brought a crowd to the court (as you can tell in my last posts about the E-Shaqulators I’ve become a hot item at the HYPER) by halftime. Unfortunately for the squad, that crowd had noticed that Pat was not only making grown men cry for our team, but for his brother’s team as well. For some reason the IU intramural system thinks this is a violation, we had also broke about every rule possible, so it’s a wonder it hadn’t happened sooner. The HYPER officials called Terrell over and told him, whether we won or not we would be disqualified, Pat took this chance to demoralize that girl, saying her job was worthless and she was going too hard. Needless to say Pat was ejected, even with an “I’m sorry” and an “I take it back” she wouldn’t budge. Our dreams were crushed worse than when Evan Reilly beat me in 4square in 6th grade, ruining my reign as champion. After our captain denied the allegations, and the HYPER worker big leagued us, motives were down, I began to question where Ashton Kutcher was, with our growing blog popularity I figured the only explanation had to be we were on another terrible edition of Punk’d.
In this situation we could have given up, I could’ve gone home, got hammered, watched like 8 episodes of WWE Friday Night Smackdown, called Wil and got his voicemail 12 times until he answered just so I could ask him if the Undertaker should retire with the belt, then cry myself to sleep. But this is where the Premature E-Shaqulators differ. We weren’t giving up, we were determined to go undefeated, make the other team pay the $10 charge for the appeal to get us disqualified, and get that pizza party at Mr. Gatti’s that Terrell promised us. Reggie started out the second half with a 3 and a “ball game”, this is where I knew our legacy would forever live in IU intramural history. After making a come-back from the 8 point deficit at halftime, we took home the W. Being our last game we treated this win as our national championship, I did a suck it move to the opposing team and their fans (helping the bring back suck it movement) and did a complete lap around the gym fist pumping, for the same reason I buy all my dress clothes at Wal Mart: I like to keep it classy. Although we gained more haters than Steve Bartman, the Premature E-Shaqulators will be forever known as the team that “won it all, without winning it all”, and will definitely be back to continue the dynasty next year.
Coming Soon: Nerd Bashing, the correct way to bash and some ways not to get bashed.
"Sure I've been called a xenophobe,but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism."
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