"C'mon Man, Carry Out?" - Alec Kerr

Spring is right around the corner, skimpy shorts and people walking down Fee Lane are as common as Reggie coming home with a trainwreck. You want to get out and do something, but if you are like me and don’t have any money since you spent a shitload on tums because you drank too much water in the shower, then you are limited on the activities you can do. A year ago I would be asking myself, how do I enjoy the nice weather, check out the bitties, and have some fun all at the same time. Now I have that answer. NERD BASHING. There’s no better feeling than cruisin’ with your dudes and bashing some nerds with your hair flowing in the wind. I can only compare it to the joy I had when my mom brought me home a Will Perdue jersey, if you didn’t know Perdue was the weed carrier/towel boy/bench warmer for the Bulls and is quite possibly the worst player to ever have 4 championship rings (Yea I know, John Salley has 4 rings too, but at least he was good at some point in his career).

With the rising popularity of “Nerd Bashing” across campus, I’d like to tackle a few myths and properly educate everyone how to Nerd Bash successfully. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Nerd Bashing, it is the act of yelling "nerd", while passing a nerd(s). Usually executed while driving. People with higher Nerd Bashing skills are referred to as "Nerd bashers". Chances are if you needed that description to realize what Nerd Bashing is, then you are most likely a nerd (if you are still confused maybe my hero, the Original Nerd Basher can help you with this short, yet favorite clip of mine). Some people say “targeting nerds, Alec you are a jerk”, frankly I don’t care, I’m ruthless, but I never descriminate who I bash. Jordan Hulls, the towny freshman starter for the Hoosiers basketball team can verify that since I have bashed him on several occasions.

I’ve recently encountered a few instances where some people on campus are attempting to nerd bash yet it is about as embarrassing as the fact that Reggie’s favorite movie quote is “I don’t know how to quit you” from Brokeback Mountain. One problem amateur Nerdbashers come across is that they don’t get creative enough. When you’re new to the game a simple “nerd” can get the job done, but as you get more advanced, alternation and a higher level of creativity are required. For example on Valentine’s Day a poor young sap waiting to cross 10th street was holding some chocolate and roses, little did he know Reggie was about to hit him with a “you think that’s gonna help faggot?” Naturally, being taught by myself (“Once you have mastered the art of Nerd Bashing, and met various, excruciating criteria, then you become The Anti-Nerd. The only one known to man is Alec Kerr, himself. None are expected to join him in our lifetime."—actual quote), the anti-nerd. Reggie was quick with a witty bash, prepared for this moment by months of training.

While everyone can Nerd Bash on the basic level, advanced Nerd Bashing requires intense training, dedication, and the fact that you have to be a natural born Nerd Basher. Take Ruff, he has spent countless Sunday afternoons passing L’s and bashing nerds with me on campus, so he should have started to develop some good bashing skills, right? Let me take you back to a few weeks ago when we were impatiently waiting for Pickles to get out of his class for getting a drinking ticket, obviously ruining a perfect Saturday afternoon where we planned on doing a power hour to American songs. By nature we would get tired of changing the songs, which would in turn result in us just drinking while jamming to songs like Ain’t that America (of course Reggie would make us play Mellencamp, and boastingly say “play Small Town, you know my mom and dad are in the video too?” Yes Reggie, we know you tell us everyday, just stop) and a personal favorite Proud to Be An American by Lee Greenwood. We spotted a group of nerds coming out of a restaurant. A prime Nerd Bashing oppurtunity. Ruff’s only comment was “C’mon man, carry out?” It was weak and embarassing, he just didn’t have it. The Scoundrel can yell “wassup bitties!” with the best of em’, but advanced Nerd Bashing just isn’t in his strengths.

When you are like Gordan Bombay there and fail to reach the advanced stages of bashing, that’s not time to get down on yourself. You can't lay in bed at night and ask yourself, Why does Alec go straight to the fridge any time he’s at an unknown party? (Well it’s a strategy I’ve found helpful. Making a turkey sandwhich at a party where you know no one makes party go-ers a) think you must live there or b) think don’t fuck with this guy he’s crazy. For the people that live there, they just think you are good friends with one of their roommates.) Why doesn’t the 0.0 Experiment have their own show? (Honestly, I’m baffled by that every night. I mean seriously, Amanda Bynes had her own show….) Or What can I do to improve my Nerd Bashing since I’m like Ruff and just don’t have what it takes?

The answer to that is simple, you have to jazz up your game. You have to find a distraction to make up for your lack of skill. Some methods include bashing while you are on the bus (everyone respects someone bashing nerds while they are riding a bus), bashing with a mega phone (taking it to the next level, making sure to not only bash the nerd, but take their dignity as well), bashing while driving a mini van (anytime you roll up to a stop light, throw open the sliding door, and bash a nerd, it doesn’t matter if you are the LeBron James of Nerd Bashing or the Brian Scalabrine, you’re doing it big.), etc. It’s all about creativity guys, as a wise Nerd Basher once told me, “don’t rush the bash, let the bash come to you”.

Last but not least some people have been asking me, “how do I keep from getting bashed?” Being a Nerd Basher all my life its hard to say. Yet being in the field everyday I tend to see things the normal eye misses. For starters I stray away from bashing nerds wearing headphones, what’s the point of bashing a nerd who doesn’t realized they got bashed, right? In the early days before I got readily recognized on campus for being “the guy who writes the blog”, “the Anti-Nerd”, and “that cute guy”(this refers to all three girls on campus who think I’m cute), I would wear headphones not connected to anything, for the pure reason of not getting Nerd Bashed. Another approach is to take back roads, any place where cars aren’t accessible are about as safe as you can get, unless you were in the lecture hall of 400 that Ruff successfully Bashed everyone as he walked by one day (the apex of his Nerd Bashing career). The best advice I can give is just don’t be a nerd and never assume you can’t get Nerd Bashed.

"Sure I've been called a xenophobe,but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism."