"A Few Good Moments with Matthew Ruffing" will return next week as regularly scheduled, we decided to do more posts on the reg this week, to preview some of the awesome shit to come.
Coming off a three week binge of doing nothing every day and the fact that I quit my job, I no longer have any cheddar. Becoming sober for the past few days has been more painful than sitting in a room with Kiel for an extended period of time, but this time of sobriety has brought me to reflect on some of our hot, curvy and sexy country’s news and controversies.
After laying in bed completely inebriated on vicodin for two days I was forced to watch the Tiger Wood’s speech dominate the entire ESPN network (I was too faded to find the remote for multiple hours). I have only one question about it, why the fuck is he apologizing to the general public for his completely human and relatively American love for having absurd amounts of sex? What he does at night, in his own time, should only be the concern of him, his wife, and his family. People are putting their money on whether or not he bends the 92 other golfers over at TPC, not who he bends over in the hotel room later that night. The only shaft of Tiger’s we need to pay attention to is that of his 7 iron that he just bent after hooking his second shot into the woods back on 13. I’m not saying that Tiger was entitled to do what he did, in fact, I don’t respect him as much anymore (you can’t be a prick on the course, hold your child after winning another title, and then hit up 6 or 7 bitties later that week and still deserve respect) but its not our business to persecute the man for loving his dick more than his wife.
Don’t get used to this kind of bullshit I only did it to pay respects to Frank Therber, the college king of talking legitimate sports news, who now may have a larger erection than Tiger Woods. I respect you thurbs, stop smiling and get me on a beer die table.
On another note I’d like to clear up any questions you may have about the animosity between Reggie and I, I’m cooler than Reggie. Plain and simple. Reggie and I don’t know each other that well..maybe it’s because he was never around last semester.. on the second or third run to the liquor store every night we’d always ask “Where’s Reggie?” “Why isn’t he getting blacked out and breaking shit with us?” “is he sucking his uncle’s dick again?” No, actually he hates his uncle which I can only respect. But Reggie was making his regular trip back to his hometown, sadly all he wanted was some nan, and the only place he could it get was from the guys at his old high school. I’m also cooler than Reggie because I know cooler people than he does, like the University of Notre Dame 2009 football recruiting class.
Yes, its true I know some of those guys, only because one of my best friends Zack Martin is a part of it and brought some of his buddies down to Indianapolis for a night to share in our common American love for unprotected and unplanned sex, outrageous kegstands, and of course, Notre Dame. Zack brought along a goofy but monstrous defensive tackle who got bro-raped more than any of the other guests, a teddy bear lookin offensive lineman, the strongest, and blackest white punter the NCAA has ever seen, and a legitimate guido linebacker who may or may not have had sex with the mother of the house we took over and a skinny tall dude who knows more about Notre Dame than the President of the school. The night started early for the stars, polishing off an entire handle of Beam (completely unfazed them) before they even left for the party. Once they arrived, they immediately went to the keg for some kegstands that went longer than.. well if I had held my breath for the duration of a single stand I would’ve passed out. Towards the end of the kegstand session, every person in the place, which was about 95 at this point, was hammered and chanting for the meatheads to keep going when the thugged out punter spilled some of his beer on the biggest meatstick , a UIndy 2 sport all-star. Who naturally left his catholic school knowledge at the door and felt that “an eye for an eye” was in order and poured his entire beer on his new found rival. If you’ve never been around many drunk meatheads at the same time then A. fuck your life because it must suck and B. stay 20 feet away because you might get stuck in the face. Screaming and pushing ensued. The 30 people that were far enough way to be safe (including me) immediately pulled out their phones and began to record the historic, made for Jersey Shore fight while rolling on the floor laughing. The punter flipped his shit so hard that he had to change jeans after being taken to the car and calmed down by his gang for 30 minutes, who were all pissed they had to stop drinking and getting head to calm down their gangster friend who repeatedly claimed “Where I’m from (Miami, Florida..shouldve seen that one coming) when someone dumps their beer on you, they get stomped.” Seriously, if the dude would’ve had a knife he would’ve gone for the throat of anyone that stood in the way of his opponent. Thankfully everything got sorted out, the punter calmed down, sobered up a little bit, and spent the rest of the night introducing himself to every single girl in the place. While the rest of us were introduced to the infamous “heat” and some absurd way of smashing an unopened beer can on your forehead so hard it opens and then chugging it, and jacking off carlo, Watt, and Tstock (much love. Come back.) I wish I could continue with this story, but pulling from any handle my eye caught, bonging beer after beer, and smoking a ridiculous amount of the illegal substance sometimes referred to as reefer ended my night a little early.. thank you to kourtney Crawford for finding me in the backyard face down in the grass when I didn’t even know my own name. I’m proud to say the owner of the house confidently told me I was the drunkest person in the entire place.
God Bless Goblin, The real turk (not you tuna, you fucking suck) and the sexiest and greatest Country of all.
No comments:
Post a Comment