Don’t get your hopes up, this post is not about Garth Brooks.
Throughout my life I’ve been known as somewhat of a disrespectful smartass. I was always the one who would cave in to peer pressure just for a few laughs. Although I have paid the price for many of these occurrences throughout; I have also gotten away with entirely too much. For those of you who do not know me on a personal level as well some others reading this, here is a story to help explain.
When I was 11 years old, I attended a dance. This dance is held every year at the LIT (Lutheran Invitational Tournament). The LIT is middle school aged basketball tournament which is held every year with several Lutheran schools throughout Southern Indiana competing, needless to say. It was our Super Bowl. If your team did not win a single game all season, but you did well in the LIT, and even happen to make the All-Tourney Team (which I did twice, of course). Then it was reasonable to expect that every French kissing lovin’ tween would simply flock to your neighborhood hoping to get a ride around the block on the pegs of your Schwinn Cruiser. Let’s just say if your ass made the All-Tourney Team, the idea of rubbing tongues with you was simply the hottest ticket in town.
Now that you fully understand just how important the LIT was, I will now explain what happen at the dance on that cold February night. As I arrive with a couple of my closest friends. I realize that I do not have the 2 dollars that is required as an entry fee. (I had spent all my money on a box of condoms to take to the dance, I had no intention of using these condoms. I simply bought them so I could fill it with mayo and slap the kid in the face who intentionally fouled me earlier in the day, he honestly thought there wasn’t going to be any consequences for his actions… well , little did he know)
As you might imagine; sneaking into the dance was something that was not a big deal and I proceeded to do this successfully. ( Even if they would have stopped me, I probably would have said, “Do you know who the fuck I am?” flabbergasted that an 11 year old has that type of vocabulary and wittiness. I would have just walked on by as they stood in shock, pondering about what just happen.) Once I got into the dance, my eagerness to grind on opposing teams cheerleaders to tunes such as jock jams, pretend not to know every word to Mambo #5, and to make a huge scene during the ChaCha Slide were at an all-time high.
Unfortunately for me and honestly everybody else at the dance; some things are just not meant to be. While still trying to adapt to the overall vibe of the dance, Cory Thomas and I were talking to some cheerleaders from the Evansville Monarchs. (the mascot which some would think to be a king, they were actually the butterfly version of monarchs. Which was rather embarrassing, also explains why they got 6th place every single year) As the conversation between us and the cheerleaders starts to run dry, I take advantage of the opportunity to impress them. At that time, the athletic director of the hosting school walks by, and let me tell you, this guy is what I would like to call a doucher. He was the male equivalent of Ms. Trunchbull from Matilda. As he walks by I mutter, “Hey, where’s the beer?” Needless to say, after the shock wears off, laughs are heard throughout the gym. But much to my disbelief, Mr. Trunchbull was one of the few who did not find this humorous. After being dragged to the coat room by my ear by this middle aged man, what started off as a simple joke had just turned into maybe one the bigger stories of the year throughout Southern Indiana. As my ear is throbbing in pain, he begins to scrutinize me and keeps yelling, “WHAT IS YOUR NAME YOUNG MAN!?”(like he didn’t know). The thing is; I was aware that he knew exactly who I was, so I kept replying “Bob” (<--clever, I know.) I was also asked where I went to school, Which I also replied, “Bob.” (Once again, comical genius)
Eventually I was escorted out the dance and my parents were called, (not like they cared, where do you think this sarcasm stems from?) As I look back now, I realize what I did was rather immature, but what is even clearer to me is how immature this middle aged man was for pulling an 11 year old by the ear and pinning him against the wall.
I am proud to say, I am still the only individual to be kicked out of the LIT Dance. My only regret is not being able to do what I went there to do. (Slap the kid with the condom and get my fingers wet)
God Bless America more than any other country
Jordan “Reggie” Kiel
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