LeBrontourage - Alec Kerr

Intramural sports gives college aged kids a chance to relive their glory days in high school, show off for the bitties, tell stories about how good they were growing up, how "if coach Miller would've given me more minutes I would've led the state in rebounding and be playing D1 right now", but most importantly it gives us a chance to be champions again. As much as I would like to say I'm not one of these typical losers, I find myself doing the same things. I love to show off my slippery wet jumpshot, I do the "guns going off" celebration every time I hit a shot to the three girls who aren't even paying attention and are only there because their boyfriends made them, I see someone at the courts I played against in high school and tell some trumped up story of how I scored 25 that game with "like 12 dimes", but most importantly I'm vying for the chance to make it to Assembly Hall to play in the championship game.

To bring you up to speed our team has unexpectedly won all three games leading up to tomorrow night's tournament opener. Which is very surprising since we look like a lame attempt at an organized basketball squad
and can barely make it up and down the court five times before we call a time out. Yet we are undefeated, so don't let the fact that we took easy route and played in the second best division here at IU fool you. With all white kids, 2 players over 6ft, and usually no subs if we even have 5 players, its a wonder we even won one game.

Our roster goes something like this:

Michael Terrell-5'9'', 150 lbs, Mr. Hustle, coach. Shows similarities to Jackie Moon

Pat Kennedy- 6'0'', 160 lbs, basically he just makes us look good, if we get disqualified in the tourney for bad sportsmanship he's the one to blame.

Some tall kid-6'5'', 180 lbs, second best player behind Pat, chances are I won't learn his name this season.

Alex "Whitey" Miller-6'4'', 180 lbs, He's a banger down low, if you are wandering "does his nickname mean he's not athletic?", to some extent yes, but he will slap the hell out of the backboard during warm ups so get off him.

Chris Adkins-5'11'', 160 lbs, Terrell's twin on the court.

Connor Costello-6'0'', 170 lbs, 1 of 3 players on our team with athletic ability, takes after me with a money jumper, he enjoys Chatroulette.com , and would really like to meet a girl that dispersed hawaiian punch out of her nipples.

Reggie Kiel-5'11'', 170 lbs, he's practically useless inside the three point line, doesn't play defense, thank God he has night classes. He's on the team because he is 62% from 3, yet he only hit one 3 in a varsity game and thinks he is cool because he has ''like 15 varsity letters".....

Wil Van Dyke-5'6'', 170 lbs, more heart than any player, more determination than Michael Jordan, rebounds better than Dennis Rodman (he has been known to dive for balls even in pick up games), in essence he is the 1995-1996 Chicago Bulls in one man. He also also known for his bone crushing on ball screens that open us up, Wil is a great teammate not only because of his hustle, but because he realizes, it's bigger than him.

Matthew Ruffing-6'1'', 160 lbs, went six straight games 2 weeks ago without scoring, Reggie made him look like a fool scoring about 25 more points then him. Although he started for Chatard and claims he is good, his best game in high school was when he scored 15 and gave up like 28.

And finally myself-6'0'', 170 lbs, Slippery wet jumpshot, money from 25 feet with a hand in my face, lockdown defender, I stalk the 3 point line like a voulture, I've been known to pull up for 3 on a clear path fast break, and you may remember me from my 17 point performance in the JV game my Junior year when I hit 5 3's in a row.

Now since most of our class schedules interfere because no one wants to wake up before noon and I made a deal with my legs that they don't work before 1 p.m., The Scoundrel and Wil moved back to Indy, and Reggie is just afraid to play against black people in general, we are in another situation where we were running low on talent. We reluctantly drew an 0-3 team for tomorrow night due to our pure dominance. We are basically indestructible and intimidate all of our opponents, it could be because we use the Space Jam effect with Pat as our MJ, or the fact that we sing This song while we walk in to every game.

Now I have mixed emotions about playing an 0-3 team, it's always fun when they show up and their best player looks like he just got back from a Third Eye Blind concert, they have a player that's like 38, and they have some kid that was probably decent in high school but gained 40 pounds since then and complains when his "trey pounder" isn't falling (this is eerily similar to what my future may hold). As much fun as demolishing a team is, there are always a few obstacles, for example the refs and I have a relationship somewhat similar to that of Tony and the campers in the movie Heavy Weights. Sure, the campers (me) are pumped for what summer events may unfold (like me getting to drop career highs), and Tony (refs) comes in and ruins everything with his strict rules. In the same sense the refs ruin my fun by calling unnecessary violations when I do my signature pro hop and my spin in the lane into traffic. It's also difficult to tune into my game when the opposing team is usually gunning for me. It might be because they saw me draining shots from the volleyball line consistently during warm-ups, maybe it is the fact that I say "pussy" every time I shoot and yell "off" anytime someone else does, but if I had to guess it is because of the growing audience I'm attracting after our last outing. To fill you in, as I was coming down the wing I said, "Whitey, rock", pro hopped, traveled, then proceeded to throw up a shot behind my head hitting the lay up as I turned to the crowd and exclaimed, "are you not entertained?!". It may have been a travel and not counted whatsoever, but I'm putting it on my highlight reel regardless. So I had 5 points, 5 boards, 4 turnovers, and 1 assist, but to those who witnessed that play will pass that story on for generations to come. Odds are the team we play tomorrow has readily been thinking of ways to shut me down (actually odds are they don't even know who I am). So if you play for LeBrontourage or plan on going to the game tomorrow, just know I have too many weapons in my arsenal.

"Sure I've been called a xenophobe,but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism."