"A Few Good Moments with Matthew Ruffing"

“It looks like a pancake”

When I heard the 0.0 experiment was spreading to the blog world I knew that my words and wisdom would one day have to grace the page. When Kerr asked me to provide comedic relief on the page I jumped at the opportunity like Wil or Kerr jumping into bed with Katie Betancourt. I’m proud to be one of the bigger influences on Alec becoming the anti-nerd and am glad to spread the stories to the world. Contrary to what has been said, never have I been called scoundrel but on more than one occasion have I been referenced to as basher, party animal, Gordon Bombay, and of course Ruff the Killa.

I came into “The Semester” late, meeting Kerr one early November night in Wil’s room. Naturally games of beer pong on the legendary table were being played when the Anti-nerd entered the room; of course I didn’t know that he was the anti-nerd, in fact I thought he was nerd. But, when the RAs entered the room and I jumped in the closet as Pickles heckled them for never partying and Kerr bashfully told them that he didn’t have his student ID, a connection had been made. He had the same love for FIFA, Posner, Sam Adams, and blowing tree that I did. After that night I encouraged Alec to spend nights playing FIFA, make fun of how fat Pickles is and to keep the door open so we could ask bitties, what’s up?

My duty for the experiment is to give weekly accounts of Wil “Pickles” Van Dyke and provide anecdotes of the Troll’s past as a Kinger and his high school days where seeing Wil’s genitalia was nothing but an every day journey for every person that walked the dark halls of Chatard. So without further adieu..

This week Wil was faced with his first roadblock on the road of his new life. His UPS job that he had been masturbating to for the last week and a half, fell through. Wil has now been forced to join me in the search for a job that will supply us with narcotics and an apartment. Although it has not been easy for Pickles he has been coping with it by talking non-stop about how cool it will be to have an apartment as well as his constant threat of buying a poster for the apartment. Wil hopes to have the apartment in three weeks so that Kerr and Smelly Reggie can come party during their spring break. As I picked up Wil this past Sunday to resume our search for residence he told me about his previous night. (Cuddled up in shotgun with his allergic reacted face I couldn’t bear to look at the sewer rat.) He explained that he drank all day and all night and started fights with University of Indianapolis football players and proudly exclaimed he got into a bar. He then told me how hungover he was and requested that I stroke him. Then pleaded for me to pull over so he could throw up. Which leads to..

On a hot evening in the summer of ’08 Pickles, another friend who won’t be named due to the gruesome disgrace that this story persists of, and I ventured to broad ripple for some food. After our meal at Qdoba that Wil managed to get all over his face, shirt and pants, Wil headed to the bathroom before we left. Wil came back from the bathroom with a look of fear in his eyes and explained the restroom was occupied. Not thinking anything of it, we left and headed back to the Kennedy household, we stopped short at the closest gas station to pick up some goods for the evening much to Wil’s displeasure. “ Dude seriously just take me back to pats I really need to go to the bathroom.” Wil cried. Laughing at the pain I was putting Wil through we continued to the gas station. Wil was shaking in the back seat literally at the verge of tears. We left the gas station and mere moments later words interrupted the tears from the backseat, “RUFF PULL OVER! I NEED TO SHIT.” I didn’t know if I heard correctly but I agreed knowing we were about to encounter one of Wil’s nastier moments. Wil jumped out of the car before I could fully stop and jumped into the bushes for a couple minutes. Tears streaming down my face from laughter, Wil came back to the car and felt compelled to explain what just happened: “O my god I just shit so hard. It was like I was peeing out of my ass. It was like a pancake! Go look at it!” For some reason I still don’t know I agreed to get out and check out the damage that Wil just put on those bushes ( I think it was the pancake comment.) Whether or not it actually looked like a pancake no one but Pickles will ever know because before I got within 7 feet of the excretion I caught a smell of the most heinous unhuman odor any person has taken in and proceded to throw up all over the parking lot. Wil joyfully got back in the car thinking he had conquered his battle. Unfortunately, a mile or so down the road Wil began to cry again and with the fear of having that nasty smell and Pickle’s shit in my car I immediately pulled into a nice neighborhood. Wil jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest house’s bushes and went for round 2 of not being able to control his own bowels. Sorry to the nice family that had to encounter that in the morning.