After my two week binge of strippers, adderall, and Miller High Life, all while watching the 3 Ninjas trilogy non stop, I was running tight on money. So I've been spending my last few days stealing things to take to Plato's Closet and tirelessly trying to win a parlay (should've known Todd Wellemeyer would be too high to win a game for the Giants) so I could pay for my Little 5 ticket, it was a little hard to fit a blog in my schedule. As for Reggie, I've been told Word on his computer won't work so that's his excuse and there is pretty much an overall consensus to not let Ruff write anymore. So if you were following Alex "Whitey" Miller's movement to boycott the 0.0 Experiment because of our lack of posts, wait no longer......
Us 0.0 Experiment crew members weren’t always as ridiculously good looking, funny, charming, and accomplished as we are today. Of course even in the 4th grade I was getting my fingers wet in the dugouts of the softball field from Kristen Mayer at recess, she was in 6th grade and stuffed her bra. Yea she was a little slutty, but a huge step from my other peer’s second base which was having a bitty over to watch a movie. Reggie, having nearly as much game as myself, was on the same path except he had to tell the bitties who his uncle was. He was just getting to the stage of receiving notes from girls in class asking him if he “like-liked” them in the 4th grade, my ass had been the cream of the crop since I did 30 pull ups in 1st grade during the President’s Challenge fitness test. Pickles and Ruff on the other hand being the late bloomers they are were telling us stories about how they were just learning to “spit game” their sophomore year in high school when we met them. Kiel and myself just laughed knowing we had already accomplished shutting down big time college athletes and having slam pieces from every surrounding high school by that time. Their greatness needed time to develop.
Confused at why you were hit with this description of how The 0.0 Experiment represents everything respected wrecking crews hold sacred? We say fuck almost every other word, we are disrespectful to women, and we love to get fucked up, it is what makes us the epitome of campus Gods. The respect I have gained from being the intramural king, the schools greatest Nerdbasher, and from not only getting the lowest GPA IU’s historic campus has ever seen, but continuing to live by my fucking legendary ways makes me believe my words of advice are much needed. So if like Ruff and Van Dyke, your greatness needs time to develop, I’m hoping I can help you out with this list of Things I don’t like and you shouldn’t either.
Women’s Basketball- The most athletic move I’ve ever seen in a women’s basketball game was a spin move in the lane by the burly center who elevated a half an inch off the ground and banked in the lay up head on. What’s even more embarrassing is that there were more people coming to see my silky smooth jumper in warm ups during high school games than there were at the women’s Final Four this year…..What’s even worse than both of those? The fact that I can confidently ask, have you ever seen Brittney Griner and Chris Bosh in the same place at the same time? Didn’t think so.
Ruff- Thanks to Adam Struhl pointing out to the professor of the class I’m writing this fine piece of work for, that everyone should love this joint, I was told the content was iffy. I can attribute that to the fact I talk about ways to make sure you can get your fingers sticky even if you are in Pi Kapps or that Ruff dropped an F bomb 86 times to express how awesome Butler was in his last post, either way I choose to blame him.
Reggie- He writes a new blog about how cool he was in middle school like once a month. I’m not sure if he wants to keep the fans in anticipation or if he just uses his three week intervals to perfect his two paragraph post. All I know is there are more people excited about Eric Byrnes going on the free agency list than for Reggie to write a new blog. He also watched 3 Ninjas in fourth grade and decided he needed a “ninja” name, thus coming up with Reggie. Extremely embarrassing story not that many fans know.
NARB- For you nerds and girls, this is the No Apparent Reason Boners. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked to give my speech and I’ve got a NARB. The girl sitting in front of me may look like Kelis, she may be a man and there is probably something seriously wrong with her, but when she shows her grill it definitely brings me to the yard and gives me a NARB.
The guy with the swoop haircut- If you are this guy odds are your last 6 profile pictures were of you standing in front of the mirror in your new snowboarding jacket. Just stop.
Kids that think they are good at guitar but only know like 3 songs- Sure guitar is a good way to get the bitties and having a friend that can play some tunes when your blazed is awesome but that kid who says he can play guitar for these reasons but only knows three John Mellencamp songs because they are easy as shit to memorize is lame.
“Enough said”- Might be the most overused phrase used to make a bold statement on Facebook. If the new Lost episode was “enough said”, then why not just say, new Lost episode.
The obnoxious fat friend that every girl has- Every group of hot bitties always has that fat friend that no one can stand. It makes the hot bitties feel better about themselves and hotter. She gets way too drunk too often and when your wingman or another member of your crew gets too drunk as well, the combination can be deadly. Van Dyke has been known to “jump on the grenade” for the team on more than one occasion……not drunk.
City bitches- Yea I might be from the city too but you bitties who say “grow up” when I show up to your party in my patented vintage 90s tank top, you are indeed the one that needs to grow the fuck up. When we are Forest Gumping from the cops you are gonna say I’m smart as shit when I pump my Reeboks three times and get away while you get stuck in the grass in your heels.
Affliction shirts and ed hardy hats-Although they are the gayest things possible, I would like to thank these companies personally for letting the untrained eye spot out douchebags easily.
Cubs fans- A baseball team best known for losing and playing in the world's largest gay bar. A franchise with the third biggest market and an inflated payroll, the team has failed miserably year in and year out since 1908. Their fans prefer to blame a goat, a cat, and a Bartman for the team's failure rather than simply admitting one hundred years of disgrace. Every team has a bad century right?
Bitties who act like they don't know who we are- When I'm at Delts and Reggie, trying to get attention and already told the bitties who his uncle was, says "you all have read the 0.0 Experiment, right?" Of course they claim no, Reggie and I share a "the fuck outta here" look. Those bitties obviously know who we are, naturally we got tired of them when we realized we weren't getting our fingers wet and moved on, they on the other hand, went straight to all of their sorority sisters and told them who the fuck they just met.
People who don’t know how to dress when they ball- If you are rocking a hat, rock climbing gear, timberlands, or jeans, you probably shouldn’t be trying to hoop. I will be making fun of you and I’ll probably set a bone crushing screen on you.
Purdue- Purdouchebags, we all hate them. Your claims to fame are keeping ugly girls out of IU since 1869 and making the Sweet 16 this year. You all have a lot of fan base behind you, no wonder you made a deep run in the tourney. It’s easy to have a great fan following when you have such a great place to play, Mackey Arena is an awesome place to watch games I’ve heard, there aren’t any banners to get in your way.
Red rings on 360- Since I got the red rings on my Xbox I’ve been depressed. Now that I can’t spend the first 4 hours of my day fighting with kids on Xbox Live and shooting free throws in practice mode on NBA 2K10 so I don’t choke in our franchise I think a little part of me has died.
Only fucking in missionary – got to change that shit up, keep it fresh.
Kansas- The state and the University
CNN- I don’t care about their bullshit news, only Tiger getting caught for pounding some vag has saved CNN in my opinion.
Puzzles- They are fuckin’ hard as shit.
People who are fans of teams that win- If your favorite teams are the Yankees, Celtics, Duke, and the Colts I think it is time to rethink your values and give up sports.
Swirlies - They are always funny until someone misinterpret their use. Wil once gave himself a swirly in elementary school, why? I have no clue, but he was given detention for it.
Other Things I Don’t Like and You Shouldn’t Either
People that walk funny
The girl whose stomach fats sticks out further than her tits, yet wears tight clothes
People who post gay shit on facebook
Twilight
PpL Hoo TiPE LyKE DIs
Sports organizations that are clearly going nowhere
People who think Joakim Noah was a good draft pick
Female rappers
Non prescription glasses
Guys who wear scarfs
The guy who always brings up the fact his uncle is John Mellencamp (See Reggie)
People who tell stupid fucking stories
People who get gay as shit when they get a girlfriend
The Bloomington police
Butthole chaffing
People who hate Tiger Woods
The kid who thinks he knows everything about sports
People who like Jay Cutler
The guy at the gym who always tries to dunk but can’t
NBA fast break dunks that aren’t phenomenal
Broncos Jerseys
People who don’t think the Undertaker should retire with the belt
People who bend their brims in triangles
Friends that bring nothing to the table
Bitties that don’t respond to the “bitty” call when they are half way down the hallway
King of the Hill
People saying little 5 isn’t that good
Working at lowes
Guys who put their arms around the waist or shoulder of their girlfriend while they walk
Guy who tries to guide his girlfriend by putting his hand on her back
Guys who bro way too hard
People who can’t ball but “try” to play on the first court
Woman drivers
The guy who spritzes himself liberally with axe
Indian food
Verizon wireless
Late night informercials
Asian people who hate being called Chinese when they are Korean
Bitties that don’t give it up on the first night
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