"A Few Good Moments With Matthew Ruffing"

"No Big Deal"
Ay people, hope studying for finals is a whole lot of fun, but since I know you said fuck studying and chose to read The Experiment, I respect your morals. This past weekend was Little 5 at IU, the biggest college party in the Nation. Sam Adams and Snoop were there, as well as Posner. Must have been one of the more bad ass things a college student can attend. Yet, I opted not to go to Little 5. In fact, I said FUCK Little 5, South Bend here I come you motherfuckers. The Notre Dame Spring Game was Saturday and of course I had to support Gob and the cronies. Tuna came out of his quiet cocoon in Muncie to make the appearance and you already know D J 75 was there. Van Dyke tripped up later but who gives a fuck about Van Dyke until he’s hammered anyway.
After Goblin did his thing we made our way to his dorm room (with Watt and Stockton) which had to be the most heinous, filthy, kingerish thing I’ve ever witnessed. Two hours later we had turned the dorms into a pi kapps party. This is where the first turning point in the night occurs. Wil had been drinkin beers and rippin pulls with all the players and shakin hands with fuckin Tausch all night to the extent that he was ready to get his sex on. When Wil realized that none of the girls were falling at the knees in front of his junk, he decided to take it upon himself to get that pussy. Wil sniffed out a girl and casually grabbed a boob. Turns out it was Dan Fox’s girlfriend..oops. Apologies to Fox for him taggin your girl in the titty but I mean you have to understand that Wil’s either grabbin a boob or puttin his dick on the doorknob..so see it as you taking one for the team, good work. Then Carlo decided to have some fun with Wil by having a playful stare contest. Too bad Wil didn’t realize that Carlo was kidding. Meanwhile, out in the hallway my sniper eye caught two former lukie bitties, one of Terrel’s ex girlfriends: Meredith Kugar, and one who quite possibly has the hottest mom in the CYO: Katie Wehlage. Naturally, I walked over like the sex panther I am and initiated conversation immediately asking, “You guys drinking? You want a drink?” Smooth. All progress went out the window when 6 foot 6 recruit Christian Lumbar walks up and puts his arm around Katie. Fuck you too Lumbar.
At this point we were a little too rowdy and I think someone had tried to ask to shut the fuck up, but I’m pretty confident Nick threw that guy out the fourth floor window. We went outside and parted ways with the villains that wanted to kill Wil. Finally, we headed to some party but had to pick up fucking Becca first. Tausch kept giving Dawson handjobs in the backseat and telling Gob to go to Golics. Gob got shitty and shut Tausch up real quick. Fuckin pussy. An hour later I had Gob getting his fingers wet in the front seat with Becca on his lap. Seriously guys, you were inches away from me. After dropping those hornballs off at Gobby’s, I headed back to the party only to find cop cars everywhere and Mr. Floyd spitting in Tuna’s face telling him to get the fuck out of his house because “He didn’t know who the pussy maggot was.” For some reason, we were coaxed into going to Hip Hop Night at the Legends, which obviously sucks more than having to hang out with Hotwagner. We told the fuckface security guard and two stupid hoes working the desk that we were recruits but they wouldn’t let us in because our escorts weren’t there. Thanks Becca. Seriously. Thanks. After giving up hope on there being any potential left in the night we rolled to Burger King, where Daddy was home and a $50 bill was dropped and then went to TStock’s hotel room to crash. Dawson drove Tyler’s Escalade to Legends, Burger King, and the Hotel and still ended up putting his pants in the fucking refrigerator and waking up with half of his order of fries still in bed with him.
Shouts to all those that participated this weekend, including Pam and Keith Martin who both look like they’ve been hitting the gym pretty hard lately, Pat Sullivan- here’s to you fatty patty, you got abused this weekend bitch, and Angela Nebesny- somewhere on that campus you were being fire.
It’s been real ya’ll, do you this summer and if you’re in the 317, get at the frathouse, chances are someone in that house is drinking. God Bless America. 7 5.