Wassup to all of you tards, minus the guy on full house who isn’t Bob Saget or John Stamos. When I’m not rescuing kittens from trees, working in a soup kitchen, cockblocking squirrels, or doing my part to save the world from nuclear proliferation, I’m writing you bastards a page or two of what’s going on in my mind so you don’t have hear about how fucking awesome it is that your professor’s 2nd grader knows all the state capitols. If you are an avid reader or new to the blog you probably are already realizing there is no point in almost any of my posts. Since Ruff claims my last blog was too hard to follow I’d like to just say fuck off to him, and to you followers, just wait until you read Ruff’s blog. I get more confused reading that than I do in that akward moment after you’re done dancing with someone.
What makes me more confused is why the whole world hates Tiger Woods. Don’t get me wrong I think he was out of line, but for a different reason than most of you scrubs. It isn’t the fact that he tacky dragged like 10 bitties that stirs my shit up. Being the most known/richest athlete in the world, why ride the pink bus with a no name pornstar who is a 6 at best? 5,000 more views on the blog Tiger and I’ll be surrounded by 11 girls from IU’s swim team that want my balls more than an autographed John Rocker baseball. On top of your poor choice in bitties, I can’t possibly understand the reason for you sexting like you’re a freshman in high school with a legit possibility of becoming the next BTK serial killer. But thank you Tiger, with your slip up I’m now taking precaution so my “I wanna watch you ride the sybian machine while we listen to You’re The Best Around. I'll paint a portrait of the scene” text doesn’t get out, because believe me I’m not goin’ down like that. And somewhere John Daly is smiling since now, because of your recent misfortune he is only the 2nd biggest fuck up in golf.
Now before you get heated because “you’re tired of hearing Tiger Woods shit”, I’ll switch up the topic for you fairies. As noted before my advice has been compared to that of the old guy’s in The Sandlot, so since Reggie can’t figure out his next step in landing his 6’4’’ dream girl and is waiting on my next words of wisdom, here you go:
So you don’t have to act surprised when it happens, I’ve been known to wreak havoc at social gatherings. (Not really a piece of advice, just an announcement for the hosts of the NAACP club at IU. Sorry I wigged out the other night, but I joined for the free food, I wouldn’t count 3 triscuits and some pink lemonade as cutting it.)
What’s worse than getting beat up by a girl you never called back? Learning too late for the second time why you never called her back.
If you have to choose between watching every Pauly Shore movie ever made in one night or having a girl with pink highlights in her hair say “you ready for the handcuffs”, choose the Pauly Shore movies. Never has a Pauly Shore movie hurt anyone, but saying yes to the closet goth/dominatrix is a sure fire way to wake up with lashes on your back and the inability to walk around for a month without a diaper.
A man can go 70 years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowl movement.
If you take some bad pills and can’t remember what day it is and think “that’s epic”, wait until you have to be rushed to the ER for being too dehydrated after a 22 hour orgy.
To the teacher’s assistant in Chemistry 103, you may have laughed when I turned in my final exam with a picture I drew of me ripping a bong and blowing out smoke that spelled my name. But, just like during sex, just as soon as you think I’m done, I’m only about to pop one in your fucking ass.
Ladies, if you are one of those girls that thinks “every guy is an asshole”, maybe you are that asshole.
If the bitty seems too good to be true and it looks like genital warts, it is probably genital warts.
That should be enough advice to fuck you up for a week or so…..
Being the final four and an Indiana team making the championship game I only think it is right to talk about college basketball. And with Butler’s Matt Howard rocking a mustache that wins the most classic/trashiest stache of the year award, I would like to take this time to look back on memorable mustaches of college basketball and the sports world.
Finally, I’d like to give a special shout out to Pat Lebuhn. Boon has two dads and his biological mother is in jail, being made a bitch by a black, blind woman with muscle dystrophy (To my knowledge this is an accurate statement or at least a folded Pat claimed it was). So Boon, just in case your dad’s were having an all day shop fest at Banana Republic and your mom was being ravaged by Whoopi Goldberg, thus forgetting to wish you a happy birthday. Then from the whole 0.0 Experiment, happy birthday. I’d also like to point out the fact that at his b-day bash last week, I witnessed Boon take like 5 shots in a row, pimp it like it was nothin’, then act completely normal the next day when I saw him at the bus stop. You sir are a champ.
For you avid readers disappointed in the lack of posts the last week or so, or those of you that are tired of reading my bullshit and are just pissed that Ruff and Reggie haven’t wrote a blog in a while, new posts are on the way. Also be ready for next week’s edition of “Things I don’t like and you shouldn’t either”. Keep it real haters.
"SURE I'VE BEEN CALLED A XENOPHOBE,BUT THE TRUTH IS I'M NOT. I HONESTLY JUST FEEL THAT AMERICA IS THE BEST COUNTRY AND ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIES AREN'T AS GOOD. THAT USED TO BE CALLED PATRIOTISM."
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