Sup to all you posers, hoes, and shitheads. Time to open your brain tanks again cause’ here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. How are your summers going? Sike, I couldn’t give two shits (unless your name is Grace Schultz of course. Sike again, our facebook marriage is solely for telling the crazy groupies who won’t leave me alone that I’m taken). So don’t facebook chat me if you’re gonna tell me about how your summer is going because there is honestly nothing in this world I could care less about. And so you groupies will stop sending that same fucking question to my inbox, mainly pissing me off because I keep thinkin’ I’m getting a message from the biddy I met at Pi Kapps (yea I was seen at Pi Kapps, fuck me right?) that spoke in my Nature of Cancer class (just playin, Lazy K doesn’t fret over biddies) I’ll answer the question everyone is dying to know.
My summer has been a little rough so far, kinda like listening to Diggy Simmons rap, for three main reasons. First I don’t have a job, probably because I’m too qualified for most shit, or because I refuse to look for one…So I’m broke as hell. Second, let’s be honest, mostly every bitty in Kentuckiana knows this penis (maybe not the face, but the dick for sure) so it’s hard to tell bitties I play 2nd base for Bellarmine or that I used to be a child movie star to get them back to the sack (or Formal room at Delts) like I could at IU. And the real thing that’s been itching me this summer (other than the possibility of crabs…just kiddin’ bitties, I have documents that prove I don’t) is that I didn’t know what I wanted for my birthday. I have finding sweet birthday presents down to a science, similar to how well Aaron Alvey, pronounced (Ass-Clown), has mastered being a piece of shit. So for you biddies wondering what to get me for my bday, (July 23rd, but I’m sure you already knew that) quit guessing and listen up because I want all kinds of ill shit.
So here we go, if you want to be like Lazy K this is the stuff you are gonna want to hope your poor parents get you:
· A wrist roller- I need something to do in class to keep the bitties moist. Plus I want forearms as big as Josh Hamilton so I can strum a biddie’s cervix harp all day.
· Another tattoo- I’ll stick with Chinese symbols because I’m spiritual and mysterious.
· Internet- Come on mom don’t be a bitch about it. If you say we can’t afford it, get a job so I can be happy on my birthday. You obviously don’t understand how hard it is to watch porn on your Blackberry that doesn’t even have 3g.
· Like 6 calculator watches- Yea fucking 6. Straight from Japan. I’m talking like delivered on my doorstep from someone who still hates me from World War II. Have you ever seen someone wear 6 calculator watches at the same time? Of course you fagn’t. Then again you haven’t seen someone tell a biddy that’s sleeping in his bed he was going to the bathroom then come back 30 minutes later with another biddy and bump uglies with her on the futon but, that’s what Lazy K does.
· I was reading Joey Fitzsimmons wall the other day and his friend was talking about his little sister wanting to hook up with him. If she thinks that queer is cool she would probably try to drug Lazy K and marry him. Add me on Myspace sometime Kailey Gahan and use that camera phone girl.
· I want Chillaa to add me on Myspace. He is blowin up in Canada and claims he is an NBA 2K10 expert. Those of you who avidly read the blog will know that I also claim to have 2K10 in my list of experteese (as well as closing bitties within 15 minutes and rolling L’s). I’ve challenged Chillaa to numerous 2K battles and he has ignored all of my requests. Plus me and Gorilla Joe threw some rap disses his way on Youtube and he had them removed.
· A new o-line in flag football- Obviously my squad nominated me as QB because I’m exactly like JaMarcus Russell (I have the arm and work ethic to prove it) and we thought we had a good chance of winning the league. That is until we were dumb enough to recruit two Pi Kapps who couldn’t hold down the offensive line worth shit and caused me to have the worst QB rating in IU intramural history. Seriously, fuck you guys.
· Austin Powers 3- Even though they took my life story up to that point and turned it into a mediocre movie.
· A new wrecking crew- Ruff’s idea of a good Friday night is drinking some Zimas and listening to the Halo soundtrack, Reggie still believes that Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are different people, and Van Dyke always wants me to sacrifice a goldfish or some dumb shit.
So there you have it, that’s what I want for my birthday. I’ll be back in a few weeks to tell you how much better my birthday was than any birthday you’ll ever have, mainly because you’re poor and I’m fucking awesome.
I’d also like to take this time to say a little bit about Kevin Sheehan and Casey Domek-the two douchers dumb enough to come to IU with long distance relationships. Honestly you guys aren’t too bad. I give you all a lot of shit since you didn’t support Ruff, Pickles, and myself with our lifestyle at the end of the first semester, and mainly because it’s so easy. I just want you all to know you were my 22nd and 23rd favorites in our pledge class respectively and thanks for the recliner, you probably didn’t want it back after some of the shit I did in it anyways.
"SURE I'VE BEEN CALLED A XENOPHOBE,BUT THE TRUTH IS I'M NOT. I HONESTLY JUST FEEL THAT AMERICA IS THE BEST COUNTRY AND ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIES AREN'T AS GOOD. THAT USED TO BE CALLED PATRIOTISM."
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