As an avid reader, first time writer, I thought of what I should write about. Then it hit me like a simple “nerd” to an unsuspecting punk walking on campus, why not write about what I know best. But then I realized I don’t know anything except to just do me. Yes I do me whather it be “DJ 75”, “JD”, “Dawson”, “Jon” (for my hoes), “Daddy” (for my Hoes), or simply “Fuck that’s him”, you better believe that I do me harder than anyone else out there. And for all you wannabes and hater that want to do you like I do me, here is my simple solution; What To Do In College.
Play a Sport- an actual school sanctioned team sport is cool, but the true legends do intramurals and do it harder than anyone else. This section goes out to that guy who breaks his finger in flag football and still plays every game. Playing intramurals, NCAA sport, or just doing you in pool volleyball, every slampiece respects a man in a sport. So when you win your game, weather it be the water volleyball tourney or the Business College freshmen competition, you better walk back to you dorm with both arms fully above your head and the index finger of both up as if you Billy “Brett Favre” Kennedy on Turkey Bowl day( best day of my life ps).
Skip Class- in my whole time in and around colleges I have only heard of one person who hasn’t skipped a class. Do I know that person? No. What do I know about her? That she won’t sleep in the man himself Charlie Russell’s bed on a weeknight so she can get to her morning class. I mean honestly that bitch goes hard if she hooks up with him and still goes to class. But skipping a class is for men and women alike, be it the ND football player who goes to 5 out of 11 classes a week, or the simple Kappa who skips her morning class when I don’t have practice. Don’t ever think that it is a must to go to all of your classes. Find a balance.
Get Hammered- First semester I was about every day. From keg stands to gremlins, to chugs, from pulls, to shots, to mixed drinks just pour that drank and put it down. No one will question you as long as you kill that drank. Second semester I lost my way. I was frazzled, scared, and lost. Luckily I looked to my mentors, elders of the 75 Block and in the past 6 days have been to little 5, ND spring game, and Jersey Tuesdays. And you better believe I did me at every one of those night along with Tausch and Espo and The Farra Twins. So weather you’re an alcoholic who grabs football player's GF's boobs or a simple chugger who cant lose, pour that drank and bottoms up boys and girls.
Girls- Sorry Girls but I am all about doing me, so why would I respect you right here. Doing girls is simple enough, Lupo do you with the hottest Ram I’ve ever seen. But for those out there that are reading this in the library, studying and texting weird girls, KG, and may or may not be high, pay attention.. Personally I have used lines such as, but not limited to the variation of, “we’ve been eye fucking for a while”, “Sup slut”, “wanna get a pizza and fuck”, and my personal favorite line, but it can only be pulled out as a response to “I have a boyfriend”, “ I have two Goldfish in my room”. And when that slam looks at you totally confused you just say, “ oh my bad girl I thought we were talking about shit that didn’t matter”. You better believe that your fingers will be wet in 3 minutes. Basically I have all the lines and bases covered for girls, but I am no master. No no I learn from the best and that is Mr. Matt Ruffing and Alex Stewart in 6th grade. He sent her a note that said, “Did you take my football because you like me, circle yes or no”. That’s has been in the back of my mind ever since.
RoadTrip- nuff said. Go visit your friends in other schools. You can do you any way you want. Whather that be hopping on bars and twerking with Espo and Lupo, or walking around campus lost waiting for Gob. Waking up in UK’s dorms totally lost and only hoping that your car is in that parking lot and not worrying how it got there, or taking a girl to a bathroom in Transylvania’s frat building. Or maybe its rapping with two black dudes who only blow dank. Or going to see Kid Cudi at MofO the night before a game. Whatever and where ever you want to go, just do you and make sure every slam knows daddy’s home.
Friends- Fuck you Gordon for never responding. True friends are always there. To hold the trashcan for you, take your shoes off so you don’t get marked, give you a ride and buy you 7 bucks worth of McDonalds breakfast Espo. They come find you when you're lost. They give you a room. They let you drive their car and they let you cheat off of them. They let you move into their room, Dillon. All in all I’m not getting emotional but a solid group of friends is like water basketball at highland. Another court isn’t the same, but once you're at that court, it's like nothing ever changed. Sarah Crider, Amila, Morgan Hunt(the ugly one) Laura Grahn (so hot) Chris Modglin Ellie Cutter Whitney Neilson.
Go to class… you know that five-letter word- I know that I said skip class and I mean shit were on the 0.0 right now, but if you are at least there, that’s half the battle. Sleeping in your chair is better then sleeping through the class. My favorite technique is the simple hide behind the person that’s in direct line with the teacher from you. They cant see you, if you cant see them.
Now here is just a list of what else you can do to do you:
Smoke weed
Get a girl friend
Cheat on her
Threesome
Shower with a girl
Go to class still drunk
Pregame a test
Really just pregame
Join a frat( 75 till I die)
Nerd bash
Streak
Sleep in an unfamiliar place and not know how you got there
Get locked out of your room after taking a shower
Steal from the library
Become friends with the cafeteria workers
Make sound effects when you're speed walking to class
Always participate at least once in class
DJ a party
Crash a party
First to pass out
Last one standing
Become best friends with the Qdoba workers
Become friends with sports players
Don’t forget where you came from
So that is my basic crash course on how to do you. I hope you really liked it. No I don’t I don’t give a shit. That’s what I did to do me. I do me and me alone. I wear capris and do me. I am in the top three of water basketball players, best chugger, designated mischief driver behind PK, creator of the Block, the Block DJ, and all around great guy. I get slams, dominate scarface, 1 and done turkey bowl,St. Luke Catholic School repper and rep the Block harder than anyone else. Peace love and respect 7 5 till I die.
PS knock knock, Daddys home.
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