"Lazy K, pronounced (O-P-P) - Thee Alec Kerr

Sup to all you posers, hoes, and shitheads. Time to open your brain tanks again cause’ here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. How are your summers going? Sike, I couldn’t give two shits (unless your name is Grace Schultz of course. Sike again, our facebook marriage is solely for telling the crazy groupies who won’t leave me alone that I’m taken). So don’t facebook chat me if you’re gonna tell me about how your summer is going because there is honestly nothing in this world I could care less about. And so you groupies will stop sending that same fucking question to my inbox, mainly pissing me off because I keep thinkin’ I’m getting a message from the biddy I met at Pi Kapps (yea I was seen at Pi Kapps, fuck me right?) that spoke in my Nature of Cancer class (just playin, Lazy K doesn’t fret over biddies) I’ll answer the question everyone is dying to know.

My summer has been a little rough so far, kinda like listening to Diggy Simmons rap, for three main reasons. First I don’t have a job, probably because I’m too qualified for most shit, or because I refuse to look for one…So I’m broke as hell. Second, let’s be honest, mostly every bitty in Kentuckiana knows this penis (maybe not the face, but the dick for sure) so it’s hard to tell bitties I play 2^nd base for Bellarmine or that I used to be a child movie star to get them back to the sack (or Formal room at Delts) like I could at IU. And the real thing that’s been itching me this summer (other than the possibility of crabs…just kiddin’ bitties, I have documents that prove I don’t) is that I didn’t know what I wanted for my birthday. I have finding sweet birthday presents down to a science, similar to how well Aaron Alvey, pronounced (Ass-Clown), has mastered being a piece of shit. So for you biddies wondering what to get me for my bday, (July 23^rd, but I’m sure you already knew that) quit guessing and listen up because I want all kinds of ill shit.

So here we go, if you want to be like Lazy K this is the stuff you are gonna want to hope your poor parents get you:

· A wrist roller- I need something to do in class to keep the bitties moist. Plus I want forearms as big as Josh Hamilton so I can strum a biddie’s cervix harp all day.

· Another tattoo- I’ll stick with Chinese symbols because I’m spiritual and mysterious.

· Internet- Come on mom don’t be a bitch about it. If you say we can’t afford it, get a job so I can be happy on my birthday. You obviously don’t understand how hard it is to watch porn on your Blackberry that doesn’t even have 3g.

· Like 6 calculator watches- Yea fucking 6. Straight from Japan. I’m talking like delivered on my doorstep from someone who still hates me from World War II. Have you ever seen someone wear 6 calculator watches at the same time? Of course you fagn’t. Then again you haven’t seen someone tell a biddy that’s sleeping in his bed he was going to the bathroom then come back 30 minutes later with another biddy and bump uglies with her on the futon but, that’s what Lazy K does.

· I was reading Joey Fitzsimmons wall the other day and his friend was talking about his little sister wanting to hook up with him. If she thinks that queer is cool she would probably try to drug Lazy K and marry him. Add me on Myspace sometime Kailey Gahan and use that camera phone girl.

· I want Chillaa to add me on Myspace. He is blowin up in Canada and claims he is an NBA 2K10 expert. Those of you who avidly read the blog will know that I also claim to have 2K10 in my list of experteese (as well as closing bitties within 15 minutes and rolling L’s). I’ve challenged Chillaa to numerous 2K battles and he has ignored all of my requests. Plus me and Gorilla Joe threw some rap disses his way on Youtube and he had them removed.

· A new o-line in flag football- Obviously my squad nominated me as QB because I’m exactly like JaMarcus Russell (I have the arm and work ethic to prove it) and we thought we had a good chance of winning the league. That is until we were dumb enough to recruit two Pi Kapps who couldn’t hold down the offensive line worth shit and caused me to have the worst QB rating in IU intramural history. Seriously, fuck you guys.

· Austin Powers 3- Even though they took my life story up to that point and turned it into a mediocre movie.

· A new wrecking crew- Ruff’s idea of a good Friday night is drinking some Zimas and listening to the Halo soundtrack, Reggie still believes that Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are different people, and Van Dyke always wants me to sacrifice a goldfish or some dumb shit.

So there you have it, that’s what I want for my birthday. I’ll be back in a few weeks to tell you how much better my birthday was than any birthday you’ll ever have, mainly because you’re poor and I’m fucking awesome.

I’d also like to take this time to say a little bit about Kevin Sheehan and Casey Domek-the two douchers dumb enough to come to IU with long distance relationships. Honestly you guys aren’t too bad. I give you all a lot of shit since you didn’t support Ruff, Pickles, and myself with our lifestyle at the end of the first semester, and mainly because it’s so easy. I just want you all to know you were my 22^nd and 23^rd favorites in our pledge class respectively and thanks for the recliner, you probably didn’t want it back after some of the shit I did in it anyways.

"SURE I'VE BEEN CALLED A XENOPHOBE,BUT THE TRUTH IS I'M NOT. I HONESTLY JUST FEEL THAT AMERICA IS THE BEST COUNTRY AND ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIES AREN'T AS GOOD. THAT USED TO BE CALLED PATRIOTISM."

Guest Blog from the man, the myth, the legend.....Jon F'ing Dawson

As an avid reader, first time writer, I thought of what I should write about. Then it hit me like a simple “nerd” to an unsuspecting punk walking on campus, why not write about what I know best. But then I realized I don’t know anything except to just do me. Yes I do me whather it be “DJ 75”, “JD”, “Dawson”, “Jon” (for my hoes), “Daddy” (for my Hoes), or simply “Fuck that’s him”, you better believe that I do me harder than anyone else out there. And for all you wannabes and hater that want to do you like I do me, here is my simple solution; What To Do In College.

Play a Sport- an actual school sanctioned team sport is cool, but the true legends do intramurals and do it harder than anyone else. This section goes out to that guy who breaks his finger in flag football and still plays every game. Playing intramurals, NCAA sport, or just doing you in pool volleyball, every slampiece respects a man in a sport. So when you win your game, weather it be the water volleyball tourney or the Business College freshmen competition, you better walk back to you dorm with both arms fully above your head and the index finger of both up as if you Billy “Brett Favre” Kennedy on Turkey Bowl day( best day of my life ps).

Skip Class- in my whole time in and around colleges I have only heard of one person who hasn’t skipped a class. Do I know that person? No. What do I know about her? That she won’t sleep in the man himself Charlie Russell’s bed on a weeknight so she can get to her morning class. I mean honestly that bitch goes hard if she hooks up with him and still goes to class. But skipping a class is for men and women alike, be it the ND football player who goes to 5 out of 11 classes a week, or the simple Kappa who skips her morning class when I don’t have practice. Don’t ever think that it is a must to go to all of your classes. Find a balance.

Get Hammered- First semester I was about every day. From keg stands to gremlins, to chugs, from pulls, to shots, to mixed drinks just pour that drank and put it down. No one will question you as long as you kill that drank. Second semester I lost my way. I was frazzled, scared, and lost. Luckily I looked to my mentors, elders of the 75 Block and in the past 6 days have been to little 5, ND spring game, and Jersey Tuesdays. And you better believe I did me at every one of those night along with Tausch and Espo and The Farra Twins. So weather you’re an alcoholic who grabs football player's GF's boobs or a simple chugger who cant lose, pour that drank and bottoms up boys and girls.

Girls- Sorry Girls but I am all about doing me, so why would I respect you right here. Doing girls is simple enough, Lupo do you with the hottest Ram I’ve ever seen. But for those out there that are reading this in the library, studying and texting weird girls, KG, and may or may not be high, pay attention.. Personally I have used lines such as, but not limited to the variation of, “we’ve been eye fucking for a while”, “Sup slut”, “wanna get a pizza and fuck”, and my personal favorite line, but it can only be pulled out as a response to “I have a boyfriend”, “ I have two Goldfish in my room”. And when that slam looks at you totally confused you just say, “ oh my bad girl I thought we were talking about shit that didn’t matter”. You better believe that your fingers will be wet in 3 minutes. Basically I have all the lines and bases covered for girls, but I am no master. No no I learn from the best and that is Mr. Matt Ruffing and Alex Stewart in 6th grade. He sent her a note that said, “Did you take my football because you like me, circle yes or no”. That’s has been in the back of my mind ever since.

RoadTrip- nuff said. Go visit your friends in other schools. You can do you any way you want. Whather that be hopping on bars and twerking with Espo and Lupo, or walking around campus lost waiting for Gob. Waking up in UK’s dorms totally lost and only hoping that your car is in that parking lot and not worrying how it got there, or taking a girl to a bathroom in Transylvania’s frat building. Or maybe its rapping with two black dudes who only blow dank. Or going to see Kid Cudi at MofO the night before a game. Whatever and where ever you want to go, just do you and make sure every slam knows daddy’s home.

Friends- Fuck you Gordon for never responding. True friends are always there. To hold the trashcan for you, take your shoes off so you don’t get marked, give you a ride and buy you 7 bucks worth of McDonalds breakfast Espo. They come find you when you're lost. They give you a room. They let you drive their car and they let you cheat off of them. They let you move into their room, Dillon. All in all I’m not getting emotional but a solid group of friends is like water basketball at highland. Another court isn’t the same, but once you're at that court, it's like nothing ever changed. Sarah Crider, Amila, Morgan Hunt(the ugly one) Laura Grahn (so hot) Chris Modglin Ellie Cutter Whitney Neilson.

Go to class… you know that five-letter word- I know that I said skip class and I mean shit were on the 0.0 right now, but if you are at least there, that’s half the battle. Sleeping in your chair is better then sleeping through the class. My favorite technique is the simple hide behind the person that’s in direct line with the teacher from you. They cant see you, if you cant see them.


Now here is just a list of what else you can do to do you:

Smoke weed
Get a girl friend
Cheat on her
Threesome
Shower with a girl
Go to class still drunk
Pregame a test
Really just pregame
Join a frat( 75 till I die)
Nerd bash
Streak
Sleep in an unfamiliar place and not know how you got there
Get locked out of your room after taking a shower
Steal from the library
Become friends with the cafeteria workers
Make sound effects when you're speed walking to class
Always participate at least once in class
DJ a party
Crash a party
First to pass out
Last one standing
Become best friends with the Qdoba workers
Become friends with sports players
Don’t forget where you came from

So that is my basic crash course on how to do you. I hope you really liked it. No I don’t I don’t give a shit. That’s what I did to do me. I do me and me alone. I wear capris and do me. I am in the top three of water basketball players, best chugger, designated mischief driver behind PK, creator of the Block, the Block DJ, and all around great guy. I get slams, dominate scarface, 1 and done turkey bowl,St. Luke Catholic School repper and rep the Block harder than anyone else. Peace love and respect 7 5 till I die.

PS knock knock, Daddys home.

"Suck a fat one Sheehan" - Alec Kerr

Wassup to all you toolboxes and 0.0 Experiment groupies? I can’t go one day without someone pestering me on my email, facebook, or the one the site I operate on the most, Myspace about writing a new blog (mainly Whitey and Sheehan). The thing is, unlike those two douchelords, I have a life that involves getting my fingers wet and dropping Lazy K downpours on unsuspecting Myspace poon. So if you want the 0.0 Experiment to fuck you up with truth on a daily basis you’re out of luck, especially last week considering it was Little 5 week. Now contrary to popular belief, I actually made it to a few classes, but most of my time was spent stealing books at the library from nerds who went to the bathroom so I could sell them back at the bookstore, and trying to frat at the best of my ability. I usually tend to stay away from the frat scene considering most frats (and by most, I mean Pi Kapps) bro extremely too hard, but with the undying love Delts shows me I had to show some back by doing my best to creep out 90% of Gamma Phi’s pledge class the very first night of Little 5. Even Reggie made his weekly trip to Delts, his frat of choice since every other one “wouldn’t give him a bid because he took all their girls”. Not real sure about the truth behind that since every night I see him talking to a girl who is a 7 at best, holding hands all night, maybe the occasional dance, but can’t close the deal.

Enough about how fucking awesome we are because the biddy that tried to skip town with my time piece this weekend could go on all day about our eminence, I’ve got something else I want to get off of my mind. This kid in one of my classes, some d-bag who watches so much porn he swears he is in relationships with Audrey Bitoni and Eva Angelina, asked me if I wanted to fill in on his intramural softball team. Reggie went home, so I was going to spend my Wednesday night killing a 12 pack of Miller High Life by myself then walk to Wal Mart to tell little kids to enjoy their time when they can piss their pants and not need an excuse for it, and to steal vintage tank tops (Sure I can afford them but when you are probably going to have your own TV show and you already have groupies like those twins from Brownstown, there are things you just don’t do….and one of them is pay for your own tank tops) but doing some work in softball sounded better.

So I showed up 15 minutes late because I started listening to classics like Soundgarden’s “black hole sun”, Limp Bizkit’s “nookie”, and “Butterfly” by Crazytown (I wouldn’t say I’m a Crazytown-a-holic…..but I wouldn’t say I’m not) so I got in one of those zones, you know what I mean. Of course needing space for trophies so I could show off to the biddies, I didn’t bring any baseball gear either, so I arrived in my patented 90s vintage tank top (No, not your run of the mill crapperwear, I’m talkin’ about a 1994 San Antonio Spurs tank top, so yeah, I looked pretty fucking awesome). When I got there some doucher, not realizing who I was, wouldn’t stop calling me “the dude”. I guess he was making fun of my tank, but he is obviously retarted because that’s an awesome name, almost as cool as my nickname, “Lazy K”. Naturally I’m lazy as shit so it works perfect. I also love the name since it sounds awesome for my business “Lazy K Cuts”, where I give dougies while we listen to Jock Jams, Creed, and N.W.A. for the small price of a blunt.

Now for those of you who aren’t from the Kentuckiana area or just don’t watch the Little League World Series, let me fill you in. I was probably the best little leaguer New Albany Township or New Albany City League has ever fucking seen. I was getting police escorts to K-Mart to sign up every year, and the year I threatened to not play when they tried to make a rule against me pitching 2 games in a row because of my pure dominance, they gave my team authentic jerseys and fitted caps. When try outs to rate kids for the draft came along I would come on three hours of sleep because I was fingerblasting Jennifer Markson (while doing the Westside symbol with my fingers) at her house until I fell asleep when she made me watching some dumb fucking movie called Save The Last Dance and had to walk to try outs year after year. I’d finally show up, late, and throw knuckleballs to the kid I was throwing with, point to the fence and whiff on purpose when I was hitting, and jog in slow motion when they were getting my 40 time, it was a fucking joke. Everyone in the gym knew my ass was top pick, it was just a matter of what team I’d being sticking my Boa Constrictor-like genatalia in week in and week out. I had parents fighting over the first pick so I could take their team to the ship and make them feel like winners for once. My dad coached every year but I never got to play for him because he never had first pick. He had second once but the guy with first pick knew what my shit was about and couldn’t pass me up. Biddies instinctively stalked to my games like Monarchs migrating to Mexico in the fall, I was inevitably making the All-Star team and calling the shots on my league team. My grandpa pitched for the Yankees so George Steinbrenner had been scouting me since I was like 3, it’s true that I threw a 1 hitter with a broken finger, I had a Barry Zito curve in 5^th grade, and I was hitting switch before it was cool to be a switch hitter, so yeah, I’m fucking sick. I’d probably be in Jason Heyward’s shoes right now if I hadn’t figured out biddies in New Albany will open their legs for any basketball player.

So this fag that asked me to fill in on his lame ass softball squad was in for a rude awakening when he realized I could take any pitcher the other team put on the mound yard with wood, let alone his Demarini and I had too much swag for the “Master Batters”. Original name I know. I’m making a team next year just so I can have an awesome name like “Premature E-Shaqulators” for our basketball team. They put me in right field and penciled me in at 7^th in the lineup. Obviously he wasn’t aware I only made 2 errors ever in little league, once because I wanted to fuck up this fag on my team’s perfect game, and another because some d-bag said I couldn’t catch a pop up in my hat. He also probably didn’t know that I’m like 8 for 10 with 6 rubies and 2 homers lifetime against that piece of shit Aaron Alvey either.

I’m not going to bore you posers with the game details because it was mostly same old same old with me making the biddies wet with my golden glove and fluid stroke at the plate, the real shit popped off in the 9^th….Only because they wouldn’t let me pitch (must’ve been something like the rule in pee wee football where you can’t run the ball if you are over a certain weight, but instead you can’t pitch if you were hurling fastballs at 65 with a 10 to 8 movement on it before you were legally able to go see Godzilla without your parents). So it was tied up at 12 a piece in the top of the 9^th with 2 outs and of course I’m up. They want to pinch hit some Alec Kerr wannabe because it’s “their team”, I look that sack of shit in the eye and say “chill the fuck out, I got this” and go dig into the box (not without blowing a kiss to some bitty, she was a solid 8. That’s not why I blew the kiss though, the pitcher’s girlfriend had been eye fucking me all day, just wanted to make her jealous). I get one up and away, my spot, I took it opposite field with what I would call a glorified check swing because that asshole tried to pitch around me. It was looking like a game winner and for those of you asking yourself how hard I can hit and did hit it, let’s just say I Benny The Jet Rodriguez’d it and knocked the cover off of the fucking ball. Of course I pimped the shit out of it too. A nasty bat toss, hit the other team with my patented nut grab and shocker with the other hand, and then pointed to all the biddies (game winner in the 9^th? I’m pretty sure the only way that would end would be me drenching all the biddies with a Lazy K cloudburst). I was feeling good until some fuck that thought he was Jeff Bagwell told me it went foul. Pissed enough I was going to have to think of a line other than “I hit the game winner, so yeah, lets hit my dorm room” to take the pitcher’s girl and her friend to Pound Town later that night, that same Alec Kerr wannabe said “dude, I thought it was gone. Like it would have been like that Aaron Boone homer against the Red Sox dude”. If I wasn’t determined to throw a nut shot to Bagwell as I rounded first base, I would have thrown my bat at that douche. If you knew one thing about Lazy K, it’s that, other than Aaron Alvey, Boone represents all that is soulless and unholy. Being so worked up by this scene and that tool pitcher trying to pitch around me I pulled out a sacrifice fly that scored the game winner. No big deal.

A lot of you are saying 1 of 3 or maybe all 3 things to yourself right now. “This blog is sooooo long”, well get the fuck over it, you should have just read it in parts but you’re a dumbass, probably why you aren’t as legit as myself. “Why isn’t construction paper more socially acceptable?” Same thing I’ve been asking myself for years. Personally I love that shit and I can’t figure out why my teacher gives me the lemon face when I turn in a research paper and it is 8 pages of construction paper. Ever heard of creativity bitch? Or “your life is like a movie”. Exactly, I make every day shit look fucking mind blowing. My biography would be a whole lot more interesting than that fag Benjamin Button’s, my beard has experienced more than his digressing aged body. So it comes to the question, who would play Alec Kerr in the movie? I’ll tell you who, some good looking fuck like Leonardo DiCaprio….or Chris Meloni. Someone with balls. I can guarantee you that Die Hard, The Godfather: Part II, South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, Do The Right Thing, E.T., Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, Titanic, Friday Night Lights, Forrest Gump, and Top Gun all put together won’t be more American than my shit. Know why? Because I’m a Goddamn American icon.

"SURE I'VE BEEN CALLED A XENOPHOBE,BUT THE TRUTH IS I'M NOT. I HONESTLY JUST FEEL THAT AMERICA IS THE BEST COUNTRY AND ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIES AREN'T AS GOOD. THAT USED TO BE CALLED PATRIOTISM."

"A Few Good Moments With Matthew Ruffing"

"No Big Deal"
Ay people, hope studying for finals is a whole lot of fun, but since I know you said fuck studying and chose to read The Experiment, I respect your morals. This past weekend was Little 5 at IU, the biggest college party in the Nation. Sam Adams and Snoop were there, as well as Posner. Must have been one of the more bad ass things a college student can attend. Yet, I opted not to go to Little 5. In fact, I said FUCK Little 5, South Bend here I come you motherfuckers. The Notre Dame Spring Game was Saturday and of course I had to support Gob and the cronies. Tuna came out of his quiet cocoon in Muncie to make the appearance and you already know D J 75 was there. Van Dyke tripped up later but who gives a fuck about Van Dyke until he’s hammered anyway.
After Goblin did his thing we made our way to his dorm room (with Watt and Stockton) which had to be the most heinous, filthy, kingerish thing I’ve ever witnessed. Two hours later we had turned the dorms into a pi kapps party. This is where the first turning point in the night occurs. Wil had been drinkin beers and rippin pulls with all the players and shakin hands with fuckin Tausch all night to the extent that he was ready to get his sex on. When Wil realized that none of the girls were falling at the knees in front of his junk, he decided to take it upon himself to get that pussy. Wil sniffed out a girl and casually grabbed a boob. Turns out it was Dan Fox’s girlfriend..oops. Apologies to Fox for him taggin your girl in the titty but I mean you have to understand that Wil’s either grabbin a boob or puttin his dick on the doorknob..so see it as you taking one for the team, good work. Then Carlo decided to have some fun with Wil by having a playful stare contest. Too bad Wil didn’t realize that Carlo was kidding. Meanwhile, out in the hallway my sniper eye caught two former lukie bitties, one of Terrel’s ex girlfriends: Meredith Kugar, and one who quite possibly has the hottest mom in the CYO: Katie Wehlage. Naturally, I walked over like the sex panther I am and initiated conversation immediately asking, “You guys drinking? You want a drink?” Smooth. All progress went out the window when 6 foot 6 recruit Christian Lumbar walks up and puts his arm around Katie. Fuck you too Lumbar.
At this point we were a little too rowdy and I think someone had tried to ask to shut the fuck up, but I’m pretty confident Nick threw that guy out the fourth floor window. We went outside and parted ways with the villains that wanted to kill Wil. Finally, we headed to some party but had to pick up fucking Becca first. Tausch kept giving Dawson handjobs in the backseat and telling Gob to go to Golics. Gob got shitty and shut Tausch up real quick. Fuckin pussy. An hour later I had Gob getting his fingers wet in the front seat with Becca on his lap. Seriously guys, you were inches away from me. After dropping those hornballs off at Gobby’s, I headed back to the party only to find cop cars everywhere and Mr. Floyd spitting in Tuna’s face telling him to get the fuck out of his house because “He didn’t know who the pussy maggot was.” For some reason, we were coaxed into going to Hip Hop Night at the Legends, which obviously sucks more than having to hang out with Hotwagner. We told the fuckface security guard and two stupid hoes working the desk that we were recruits but they wouldn’t let us in because our escorts weren’t there. Thanks Becca. Seriously. Thanks. After giving up hope on there being any potential left in the night we rolled to Burger King, where Daddy was home and a $50 bill was dropped and then went to TStock’s hotel room to crash. Dawson drove Tyler’s Escalade to Legends, Burger King, and the Hotel and still ended up putting his pants in the fucking refrigerator and waking up with half of his order of fries still in bed with him.
Shouts to all those that participated this weekend, including Pam and Keith Martin who both look like they’ve been hitting the gym pretty hard lately, Pat Sullivan- here’s to you fatty patty, you got abused this weekend bitch, and Angela Nebesny- somewhere on that campus you were being fire.
It’s been real ya’ll, do you this summer and if you’re in the 317, get at the frathouse, chances are someone in that house is drinking. God Bless America. 7 5.

"Things I don't like and you shouldn't either" - Alec Kerr

After my two week binge of strippers, adderall, and Miller High Life, all while watching the 3 Ninjas trilogy non stop, I was running tight on money. So I've been spending my last few days stealing things to take to Plato's Closet and tirelessly trying to win a parlay (should've known Todd Wellemeyer would be too high to win a game for the Giants) so I could pay for my Little 5 ticket, it was a little hard to fit a blog in my schedule. As for Reggie, I've been told Word on his computer won't work so that's his excuse and there is pretty much an overall consensus to not let Ruff write anymore. So if you were following Alex "Whitey" Miller's movement to boycott the 0.0 Experiment because of our lack of posts, wait no longer......

Us 0.0 Experiment crew members weren’t always as ridiculously good looking, funny, charming, and accomplished as we are today. Of course even in the 4^th grade I was getting my fingers wet in the dugouts of the softball field from Kristen Mayer at recess, she was in 6^th grade and stuffed her bra. Yea she was a little slutty, but a huge step from my other peer’s second base which was having a bitty over to watch a movie. Reggie, having nearly as much game as myself, was on the same path except he had to tell the bitties who his uncle was. He was just getting to the stage of receiving notes from girls in class asking him if he “like-liked” them in the 4^th grade, my ass had been the cream of the crop since I did 30 pull ups in 1^st grade during the President’s Challenge fitness test. Pickles and Ruff on the other hand being the late bloomers they are were telling us stories about how they were just learning to “spit game” their sophomore year in high school when we met them. Kiel and myself just laughed knowing we had already accomplished shutting down big time college athletes and having slam pieces from every surrounding high school by that time. Their greatness needed time to develop.

Confused at why you were hit with this description of how The 0.0 Experiment represents everything respected wrecking crews hold sacred? We say fuck almost every other word, we are disrespectful to women, and we love to get fucked up, it is what makes us the epitome of campus Gods. The respect I have gained from being the intramural king, the schools greatest Nerdbasher, and from not only getting the lowest GPA IU’s historic campus has ever seen, but continuing to live by my fucking legendary ways makes me believe my words of advice are much needed. So if like Ruff and Van Dyke, your greatness needs time to develop, I’m hoping I can help you out with this list of Things I don’t like and you shouldn’t either.

Women’s Basketball- The most athletic move I’ve ever seen in a women’s basketball game was a spin move in the lane by the burly center who elevated a half an inch off the ground and banked in the lay up head on. What’s even more embarrassing is that there were more people coming to see my silky smooth jumper in warm ups during high school games than there were at the women’s Final Four this year…..What’s even worse than both of those? The fact that I can confidently ask, have you ever seen Brittney Griner and Chris Bosh in the same place at the same time? Didn’t think so.

Ruff- Thanks to Adam Struhl pointing out to the professor of the class I’m writing this fine piece of work for, that everyone should love this joint, I was told the content was iffy. I can attribute that to the fact I talk about ways to make sure you can get your fingers sticky even if you are in Pi Kapps or that Ruff dropped an F bomb 86 times to express how awesome Butler was in his last post, either way I choose to blame him.

Reggie- He writes a new blog about how cool he was in middle school like once a month. I’m not sure if he wants to keep the fans in anticipation or if he just uses his three week intervals to perfect his two paragraph post. All I know is there are more people excited about Eric Byrnes going on the free agency list than for Reggie to write a new blog. He also watched 3 Ninjas in fourth grade and decided he needed a “ninja” name, thus coming up with Reggie. Extremely embarrassing story not that many fans know.

NARB- For you nerds and girls, this is the No Apparent Reason Boners. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked to give my speech and I’ve got a NARB. The girl sitting in front of me may look like Kelis, she may be a man and there is probably something seriously wrong with her, but when she shows her grill it definitely brings me to the yard and gives me a NARB.

The guy with the swoop haircut- If you are this guy odds are your last 6 profile pictures were of you standing in front of the mirror in your new snowboarding jacket. Just stop.

Kids that think they are good at guitar but only know like 3 songs- Sure guitar is a good way to get the bitties and having a friend that can play some tunes when your blazed is awesome but that kid who says he can play guitar for these reasons but only knows three John Mellencamp songs because they are easy as shit to memorize is lame.

“Enough said”- Might be the most overused phrase used to make a bold statement on Facebook. If the new Lost episode was “enough said”, then why not just say, new Lost episode.

The obnoxious fat friend that every girl has- Every group of hot bitties always has that fat friend that no one can stand. It makes the hot bitties feel better about themselves and hotter. She gets way too drunk too often and when your wingman or another member of your crew gets too drunk as well, the combination can be deadly. Van Dyke has been known to “jump on the grenade” for the team on more than one occasion……not drunk.

City bitches- Yea I might be from the city too but you bitties who say “grow up” when I show up to your party in my patented vintage 90s tank top, you are indeed the one that needs to grow the fuck up. When we are Forest Gumping from the cops you are gonna say I’m smart as shit when I pump my Reeboks three times and get away while you get stuck in the grass in your heels.

Affliction shirts and ed hardy hats-Although they are the gayest things possible, I would like to thank these companies personally for letting the untrained eye spot out douchebags easily.

Cubs fans- A baseball team best known for losing and playing in the world's largest gay bar. A franchise with the third biggest market and an inflated payroll, the team has failed miserably year in and year out since 1908. Their fans prefer to blame a goat, a cat, and a Bartman for the team's failure rather than simply admitting one hundred years of disgrace. Every team has a bad century right?

Bitties who act like they don't know who we are- When I'm at Delts and Reggie, trying to get attention and already told the bitties who his uncle was, says "you all have read the 0.0 Experiment, right?" Of course they claim no, Reggie and I share a "the fuck outta here" look. Those bitties obviously know who we are, naturally we got tired of them when we realized we weren't getting our fingers wet and moved on, they on the other hand, went straight to all of their sorority sisters and told them who the fuck they just met.

People who don’t know how to dress when they ball- If you are rocking a hat, rock climbing gear, timberlands, or jeans, you probably shouldn’t be trying to hoop. I will be making fun of you and I’ll probably set a bone crushing screen on you.

Purdue- Purdouchebags, we all hate them. Your claims to fame are keeping ugly girls out of IU since 1869 and making the Sweet 16 this year. You all have a lot of fan base behind you, no wonder you made a deep run in the tourney. It’s easy to have a great fan following when you have such a great place to play, Mackey Arena is an awesome place to watch games I’ve heard, there aren’t any banners to get in your way.

Red rings on 360- Since I got the red rings on my Xbox I’ve been depressed. Now that I can’t spend the first 4 hours of my day fighting with kids on Xbox Live and shooting free throws in practice mode on NBA 2K10 so I don’t choke in our franchise I think a little part of me has died.

Only fucking in missionary – got to change that shit up, keep it fresh.

Kansas- The state and the University

CNN- I don’t care about their bullshit news, only Tiger getting caught for pounding some vag has saved CNN in my opinion.

Puzzles- They are fuckin’ hard as shit.

People who are fans of teams that win- If your favorite teams are the Yankees, Celtics, Duke, and the Colts I think it is time to rethink your values and give up sports.

Swirlies - They are always funny until someone misinterpret their use. Wil once gave himself a swirly in elementary school, why? I have no clue, but he was given detention for it.

Other Things I Don’t Like and You Shouldn’t Either

People that walk funny

The girl whose stomach fats sticks out further than her tits, yet wears tight clothes

People who post gay shit on facebook

Twilight

PpL Hoo TiPE LyKE DIs

Sports organizations that are clearly going nowhere

People who think Joakim Noah was a good draft pick

Female rappers

Non prescription glasses

Guys who wear scarfs

The guy who always brings up the fact his uncle is John Mellencamp (See Reggie)

People who tell stupid fucking stories

People who get gay as shit when they get a girlfriend

The Bloomington police

Butthole chaffing

People who hate Tiger Woods

The kid who thinks he knows everything about sports

People who like Jay Cutler

The guy at the gym who always tries to dunk but can’t

NBA fast break dunks that aren’t phenomenal

Broncos Jerseys

People who don’t think the Undertaker should retire with the belt

People who bend their brims in triangles

Friends that bring nothing to the table

Bitties that don’t respond to the “bitty” call when they are half way down the hallway

King of the Hill

People saying little 5 isn’t that good

Working at lowes

Guys who put their arms around the waist or shoulder of their girlfriend while they walk

Guy who tries to guide his girlfriend by putting his hand on her back

Guys who bro way too hard

People who can’t ball but “try” to play on the first court

Woman drivers

The guy who spritzes himself liberally with axe

Indian food

Verizon wireless

Late night informercials

Asian people who hate being called Chinese when they are Korean

Bitties that don’t give it up on the first night