"C'mon Man, Carry Out?" - Alec Kerr

Spring is right around the corner, skimpy shorts and people walking down Fee Lane are as common as Reggie coming home with a trainwreck. You want to get out and do something, but if you are like me and don’t have any money since you spent a shitload on tums because you drank too much water in the shower, then you are limited on the activities you can do. A year ago I would be asking myself, how do I enjoy the nice weather, check out the bitties, and have some fun all at the same time. Now I have that answer. NERD BASHING. There’s no better feeling than cruisin’ with your dudes and bashing some nerds with your hair flowing in the wind. I can only compare it to the joy I had when my mom brought me home a Will Perdue jersey, if you didn’t know Perdue was the weed carrier/towel boy/bench warmer for the Bulls and is quite possibly the worst player to ever have 4 championship rings (Yea I know, John Salley has 4 rings too, but at least he was good at some point in his career).

With the rising popularity of “Nerd Bashing” across campus, I’d like to tackle a few myths and properly educate everyone how to Nerd Bash successfully. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Nerd Bashing, it is the act of yelling "nerd", while passing a nerd(s). Usually executed while driving. People with higher Nerd Bashing skills are referred to as "Nerd bashers". Chances are if you needed that description to realize what Nerd Bashing is, then you are most likely a nerd (if you are still confused maybe my hero, the Original Nerd Basher can help you with this short, yet favorite clip of mine). Some people say “targeting nerds, Alec you are a jerk”, frankly I don’t care, I’m ruthless, but I never descriminate who I bash. Jordan Hulls, the towny freshman starter for the Hoosiers basketball team can verify that since I have bashed him on several occasions.

I’ve recently encountered a few instances where some people on campus are attempting to nerd bash yet it is about as embarrassing as the fact that Reggie’s favorite movie quote is “I don’t know how to quit you” from Brokeback Mountain. One problem amateur Nerdbashers come across is that they don’t get creative enough. When you’re new to the game a simple “nerd” can get the job done, but as you get more advanced, alternation and a higher level of creativity are required. For example on Valentine’s Day a poor young sap waiting to cross 10th street was holding some chocolate and roses, little did he know Reggie was about to hit him with a “you think that’s gonna help faggot?” Naturally, being taught by myself (“Once you have mastered the art of Nerd Bashing, and met various, excruciating criteria, then you become The Anti-Nerd. The only one known to man is Alec Kerr, himself. None are expected to join him in our lifetime."—actual quote), the anti-nerd. Reggie was quick with a witty bash, prepared for this moment by months of training.

While everyone can Nerd Bash on the basic level, advanced Nerd Bashing requires intense training, dedication, and the fact that you have to be a natural born Nerd Basher. Take Ruff, he has spent countless Sunday afternoons passing L’s and bashing nerds with me on campus, so he should have started to develop some good bashing skills, right? Let me take you back to a few weeks ago when we were impatiently waiting for Pickles to get out of his class for getting a drinking ticket, obviously ruining a perfect Saturday afternoon where we planned on doing a power hour to American songs. By nature we would get tired of changing the songs, which would in turn result in us just drinking while jamming to songs like Ain’t that America (of course Reggie would make us play Mellencamp, and boastingly say “play Small Town, you know my mom and dad are in the video too?” Yes Reggie, we know you tell us everyday, just stop) and a personal favorite Proud to Be An American by Lee Greenwood. We spotted a group of nerds coming out of a restaurant. A prime Nerd Bashing oppurtunity. Ruff’s only comment was “C’mon man, carry out?” It was weak and embarassing, he just didn’t have it. The Scoundrel can yell “wassup bitties!” with the best of em’, but advanced Nerd Bashing just isn’t in his strengths.

When you are like Gordan Bombay there and fail to reach the advanced stages of bashing, that’s not time to get down on yourself. You can't lay in bed at night and ask yourself, Why does Alec go straight to the fridge any time he’s at an unknown party? (Well it’s a strategy I’ve found helpful. Making a turkey sandwhich at a party where you know no one makes party go-ers a) think you must live there or b) think don’t fuck with this guy he’s crazy. For the people that live there, they just think you are good friends with one of their roommates.) Why doesn’t the 0.0 Experiment have their own show? (Honestly, I’m baffled by that every night. I mean seriously, Amanda Bynes had her own show….) Or What can I do to improve my Nerd Bashing since I’m like Ruff and just don’t have what it takes?

The answer to that is simple, you have to jazz up your game. You have to find a distraction to make up for your lack of skill. Some methods include bashing while you are on the bus (everyone respects someone bashing nerds while they are riding a bus), bashing with a mega phone (taking it to the next level, making sure to not only bash the nerd, but take their dignity as well), bashing while driving a mini van (anytime you roll up to a stop light, throw open the sliding door, and bash a nerd, it doesn’t matter if you are the LeBron James of Nerd Bashing or the Brian Scalabrine, you’re doing it big.), etc. It’s all about creativity guys, as a wise Nerd Basher once told me, “don’t rush the bash, let the bash come to you”.

Last but not least some people have been asking me, “how do I keep from getting bashed?” Being a Nerd Basher all my life its hard to say. Yet being in the field everyday I tend to see things the normal eye misses. For starters I stray away from bashing nerds wearing headphones, what’s the point of bashing a nerd who doesn’t realized they got bashed, right? In the early days before I got readily recognized on campus for being “the guy who writes the blog”, “the Anti-Nerd”, and “that cute guy”(this refers to all three girls on campus who think I’m cute), I would wear headphones not connected to anything, for the pure reason of not getting Nerd Bashed. Another approach is to take back roads, any place where cars aren’t accessible are about as safe as you can get, unless you were in the lecture hall of 400 that Ruff successfully Bashed everyone as he walked by one day (the apex of his Nerd Bashing career). The best advice I can give is just don’t be a nerd and never assume you can’t get Nerd Bashed.

"Sure I've been called a xenophobe,but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism."

Setting the Record Straight - Jordan "Reggie" Kiel

Greetings Crackers,

I just want to take some time to apologize for my delay in blog post. I’m sure Alex Miller has been long awaiting this post. There are a few reasons I haven’t been able to write in awhile, but the most obvious reason as “Editor in Chief” of The 0.0 Experiment, I have spent most of my time peer editing Matthew Ruffing’s post. I’m sure you can still look at the post and say, “Wow, Ruff can’t spell or write worth shit.” That’s because I elect not to change all of his grammatical errors because it is un-Ruff like to have a properly written post.

So now that my reason for delay is out there, without further wait I would like to talk about something that is on all of our minds (besides getting my fingers wet on spring break) I’m obviously talking about March Madness. While it is known throughout Southern Indiana that I am among one of the better “bracket filler-outers” around, a lot of you not from that area might not be aware of this. For example, were you surprised when George Mason made the Final Four in 2006 as an 11 seed? I wasn’t. Or were you surprised in 2001 when the 15 seed Hampton knocked off Iowa State? I wasn’t, this to me was a no-brainer…obviously Jamal Tinsley is going to be too high to function in a big game like this. Maybe my greatest upset pick ever was when the Canisius Griffins knocked off the top-ranked North Carolina State Wolfpack in 1956. With all of this being said, some of you might be thinking, “With all of these upset picks Reggie, how have you not won the competition that ESPN has every year?” This is honestly a great question, my only flaw when it comes to tournaments brackets are the infamous 8-9 games. I have failed to pick an 8-9 game successfully since 1996 when Eastern Michigan knocked off the Duke Blue Devils.

If you are an active reader of the blog you may know that Ruff and Wil made a visit to IU last weekend. With all of these stories from the past week flying around like the Wright Brothers, you may be wondering why I was not involved in any of these shenanigans, the answer to that is simple. I honestly didn’t want anything to do with being around Ruff for an entire weekend. I can predict Ruff’s actions just about as easily as I can predict the NCAA tournament. It is a fact that Ruff had to go outside to “cool off” after having 4 or 5 beers and a pouch or so of Grizzly Wintergreen. The only thing that I have yet to grasp out of this whole situation is, “Why in hell are all you pansies surprised?” When I was told by Alec that they would be visiting I quickly made plans to leave town and visit a friend of mine in Louisville. Quite simply, I just didn’t want to babysit Ruff all weekend. I didn’t want to have to hold his “Knuckles” jacket while he puked up his wine coolers, and I didn’t want to have to try to calm him down after he struck out at the frat. With most of this post being directed to my hatred towards Matthew Ruffing, I expect to have to deal with something like this when I visit him a few days. Surprised? Don’t be.

This next week should provide plenty of stories to share on the blog. I apologize again for this delay and promise it will not happen again.

God Bless America more than any other Country,
Jordan “Reggie” Kiel

"A Few Good Moments With Matthew Ruffing"

"Kenny Norman"

What’s good haters, I know most or all of you are either on Spring break or preparing for it, so I come to you again this week with just a few things to say. First off, I’d like to formally apologize for the pathetic post earlier this week, I lost a lot of respect for myself with the combination of my pre-pubescent performance at IU as well as the dog shit post. If it happens again I’ll suspend myself from all things blog until I can get my shit together. Quick side note—shout out to Allen Iverson. One of the best small guards to play along the likes of Mugsy Bogues, John Stockton, as well as, Tim Dossman and Tommy Rouse who were dominant CYO players (Rouse actually played power forward but the motherfucker did it at 5 foot 4 inches, mad props). But Iverson did it while saying “fuck practice and you, Larry Brown” as well as doing so much wreckless gambling and drinking that the dude got banned not from just one casino, but every one in Atlantic City and Detroit.. I’m sorry but how do you get banned from every single casino in DETROIT??? God bless you sir.

While on the topic of basketball, I think it’s necessary to acknowledge March Madness like every other generic blog. It’s the second best thing in the world behind Miley Cyrus’ body. I thought I was at the top of the class of creating genius brackets until Wake Forest lost first round last year, I had them in the final four (Fuck you Teague). But this year I’m gonna make a few bold predictions right now before the bracket even comes out: Butler is going to the elite 8- Gordon Hayward is dirty and so is Shelvin Mack and Brad Stevens is the smartest coach under 50 years old in all of America; Kansas doesn’t make the final four, maybe not even elite 8- Aldrich is a pussy and I never saw them play consistently well; Syracuse and Kentucky in the championship game – there’s no way Wall and Cousins are going out before getting to the final game, and if they do they both go for 20 and 20 in their final college game; Purdue is out by the sweet 16- the blame shouldn’t go to Hummel’s injury, more so the fact that they have dudes like John Hart getting legitimate minutes. I watched from the bench as my team played him in high school and none of us were concerned about him before the game and didn’t leave the game saying, “wow that Hart punkass was sick.” And Stevie Loveless is on the team. You gotta be fuckin’ me Painter. I watched Pat Kennedy dominate the shit out of him every summer, bottom line he doesn’t deserve to hand the actual players little cups of water when they come off the court. Call me Painter I’ll get you in touch with Kennedy who is better than Hart and Loveless combined and the bastard hasn’t cared about basketball since he touched Christen Salyer’s thong. Mad Props to Kelsey Barlow though.. dude’s sick, he should be getting more minutes though, second best defensive player on the team behind Kramer..not a bad person to be second to your freshman year. Do you Kelsey 317 for life.

As IU’s spring break is quickly arriving, Reggie has made a paper chain countdown for the day he gets to come see how we do it in the nap and Kerr has been struggling to sleep at night asking himself what shenanigans we’re about to get into. Number one- you pussies aren’t ready for Compton Street. Too many lives have been nearly lost, too many close calls with the police and drunk meatheads, too many eggs have been cracked, and too many bitties have lost their virginity (bullshit on that last one minus maybe Wil’s mom). The Compton Spot is central for what some people would call immature and illegal destruction of property. In no way am I admitting to any of the following crimes, but only repeating these farfetched stories that have been whispered on the streets of broad ripple and the surrounding area for the past 4 years.
A few kids have been rumored to have done the most insubordinate and inhumane things this area has ever seen. For example, for a few years there were some teenagers who considered themselves professionals at executing the classic egging of cars. On too many occasions these hoodlums would buy up to 100 eggs at a time and plan on using each and every egg on that given night. These bastards were fuckin experts. Never striking from the same spot twice in a row, they were swift, nimble and just overall athletes that survived on the their youth and legs to make swift get aways from the car that just got smacked with 4 or 5 eggs all over their fresh new Hummer’s windshield, windows and doors.

You will learn to respect not just The Compton Spot, but The Frathouse and the classy Springview Drive. The Frathouse is where you will lose all sobriety once you enter the door and the music of chart topper B-Shags blares from the beer stained garage. Springview actually kinda sucks. Nothing really cool happens there minus that’s where Gordon Bombay rests his head at night. As well as the time Pickles and I almost got shot by the block’s druglord. No bullshit. The dude heard us rustling around his house looking for some shit we had lost, started coming after us and as we ran he reached for his low back, naturally we immediately stopped because we knew what was about to happen while that bitchass Hurrle left his boys to die- suck my dick you blonde faggot. The vicelord then became our best friend, gave us his number and told us to come party with him sometime. When we called him a couple weeks later just for the hell of it, the phone had been disconnected and was being monitored for illegal activity. 86th and Springview does it real big. But in all honesty nothing cool will probably happen when you’re here strictly because most of us have matured since those days.

God Bless America, Daniel Kleinschmidt and Joel Tucker for giving us awesomely perverted music, Michael Terrell for constantly telling a story, Jon Dawson for being too drunk in Cancun and repping the Frathouse on facebook harder than ever, Alex Miller for making out with a girl and afterwards being shitty at her for leaving because she was definitely down to fuck, and to you for respecting what we’re doing here.

Sportsmanship: A Thing of the Past - Alec Kerr

Before I get to the Premature E-Shaqulators latest game in the tournament, I have to say a few things about Wil Van Dyke’s latest trip to IU.

Wil left many things behind here after his weekend trainwreck. He forgot half of his clothes in my room, his phone somewhere in Bloomington, vomit in several places, hearts across campus aching, and most importantly he left his dignity. Of course, always following Wil around, Ruff made the trek too. Although Ruff’s night was cut short when 5 shots and a pinch of Grizzly wintergreen caused him to spend the rest of it puking in his car like a 13 year old whose balls haven't dropped that he is (almost as embarrassing as WVD the proclaimed “worst basketball player ever” beating him one on one last week). There was some intense partying that ensued upon Van Dyke’s return, and contrary to my beliefs people actually missed him (shout out to the 2^nd and Washington party for showin’ more love to the blog than the Rugrats had for Reptar). I can only imagine what stories we will have after spring break. A whole week of partying, nerdbashing, and having Wil one-up his jackass video…..My dream.

If you are 1 of the 6 people who care about the Shaqulators then you are in luck because the tournament got juicy last week. Obviously we were on a clear path to the championship with Pat dropping 30 a game, Reggie and Bryson cheering us on from the sidelines, and me doing my best James Catusco impression. Naturally, I had brought a crowd to the court (as you can tell in my last posts about the E-Shaqulators I’ve become a hot item at the HYPER) by halftime. Unfortunately for the squad, that crowd had noticed that Pat was not only making grown men cry for our team, but for his brother’s team as well. For some reason the IU intramural system thinks this is a violation, we had also broke about every rule possible, so it’s a wonder it hadn’t happened sooner. The HYPER officials called Terrell over and told him, whether we won or not we would be disqualified, Pat took this chance to demoralize that girl, saying her job was worthless and she was going too hard. Needless to say Pat was ejected, even with an “I’m sorry” and an “I take it back” she wouldn’t budge. Our dreams were crushed worse than when Evan Reilly beat me in 4square in 6^th grade, ruining my reign as champion. After our captain denied the allegations, and the HYPER worker big leagued us, motives were down, I began to question where Ashton Kutcher was, with our growing blog popularity I figured the only explanation had to be we were on another terrible edition of Punk’d.

In this situation we could have given up, I could’ve gone home, got hammered, watched like 8 episodes of WWE Friday Night Smackdown, called Wil and got his voicemail 12 times until he answered just so I could ask him if the Undertaker should retire with the belt, then cry myself to sleep. But this is where the Premature E-Shaqulators differ. We weren’t giving up, we were determined to go undefeated, make the other team pay the $10 charge for the appeal to get us disqualified, and get that pizza party at Mr. Gatti’s that Terrell promised us. Reggie started out the second half with a 3 and a “ball game”, this is where I knew our legacy would forever live in IU intramural history. After making a come-back from the 8 point deficit at halftime, we took home the W. Being our last game we treated this win as our national championship, I did a suck it move to the opposing team and their fans (helping the bring back suck it movement) and did a complete lap around the gym fist pumping, for the same reason I buy all my dress clothes at Wal Mart: I like to keep it classy. Although we gained more haters than Steve Bartman, the Premature E-Shaqulators will be forever known as the team that “won it all, without winning it all”, and will definitely be back to continue the dynasty next year.

Coming Soon: Nerd Bashing, the correct way to bash and some ways not to get bashed.

"Sure I've been called a xenophobe,but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism."

"A Few Good Moments With Matthew Ruffing"

"MAAAAAACCCCCCCKKK"

Life with Pickles is slowly killing me. Seeing him on a regular basis has begun to make me less intelligent. He smells, doesn’t shave, and constantly splurts out random sayings that make no sense. I now regret even the thought of living with the maggot. It’s scary to think of what animals will take refuge in his room. Meanwhile, Pickles had another classic weekend. He got a job at a pizza place that somehow looked past the unsanitary living habits of VD as well as the sewer smell. Wil really loved it there, he made friends with the grower who wants to live with Wil, which is perfect considering he now needs to find a new roommate. Wil no longer has that job after the infamous killa tactic of not showing up to work, and instead going to IU with me. My MVPesque drinking stamina has diminished miserably. Max 2 hours after starting the night I ventured out to my car to lay in peace for the remaining duration of the night like I was a high school sophomore. Completely embarrassing. To regain my Mariusz Pudzianowski regimen (just with drinking instead of lifting heavy shit), I’m gonna drink every single night until Kerr and the douche Kiel arrive in indy. Pickles played up to his potential this weekend; after a hard weekend at IU he came home so hungover he asked me to cuddle (again) and phoneless. Everyone loved having Wil at IU again and I loved him not being anywhere near me.

Last Saturday after work Pickles hitched a ride to our friends house, quickly making a pit stop to pick up a case of busch light and a handle of early times. The troll started out the night ripping shots of the whiskey, totally prepared to wake up in the morning and not know what was happening. Pickles got off work at 10pm and by midnight, he was outside in the snow, no jacket, no shoes, and too drunk to spark a bowl. Wil was being Wil, taking shots on command, proceeding to try to rip the shot but inadvertently throwing the entire drink all over his face and shirt, you know.. regular van dyke shit. Wil decided he was funny enough for comedy central and is planning on working on a routine to submit to them. Then, Wil went Mike Tyson. Pickles got heated after a few comments with another guy about a girl. Wil didn’t like what was said and in near tears exclaimed, “I lost my virginity to..” (like I was gonna tell you who it was on a blog.. grow the fuck up.) From then on, Wil was ready to fight anyone, there was a total of 6 people at the house and he tried to fight the four who didn’t live at the house. While Pickles was talking crazy, but classic shit, I decided it was necessary to get some of his antics on film for future comedic relief…he didn’t appreciate it. Pickles proceeded to throw my phone across the room, and then hit me in the chest. Calm and collected, I looked him in the eyes. Wil Van Dyke’s life flashed before his eyes, everyone could see the fear in his eyes after he realized he had just woken up the bear inside of Gordon Bombay and was about to the feel the heat. Yeah fucking right no one fucks with Pickles, I fetched my phone like a baby pug and continued my night in peace.

As much as I want to drive flaming knives through Van Dyke’s eyes right now, I have to give him credit for his mature antics at the end of high school. Wil had been waiting for this moment ever since he gave himself a swirly in the fifth grade. After having the most absurd spring break of his young and wasted life, Wil decided to take a break from the drinking until the end of the year. But Pickles couldn’t hold off from the liquor, after murdering one and a half water bottles of Jim Beam, we took a trip to Khoury’s, before he got there, Wil needed to text his Dad and made Whitey completely stop at a green light like the bitch he is, told his dad it was fine and made his way to wreak ultimate havoc at Khoury’s. VD was being his obnoxious self, quoting a drunken hick at the top of his lungs. Everyone was already pissed at the troll, but to push it further he felt it necessary to say “What up girl” to some young bitty with a guido walking behind her.. yeah wil you had a girlfriend.. nice work. When we tried to get him to calm down he wasn’t havin any of it. He chucked his juke across the room then went outside to throw up. Being a friend and not wanting to get kicked out of the joint; I took Pickles to chatard to cool down with tuna. That’s when things got really weird. Wil started to cry in the back of my car because all he wanted to do was go home but had already told his parents he was spending the night at gobs. He then got out of the car and cried for water, I gave him a full water bottle, and instead of being a normal human being and utilizing the greatest non intoxicative material God gave us, he took a couple sips and then poured the rest on a car driving by and on the ground. Pickles then began his infamous language. Wil began to speak in ways that no person has ever been able to comprehend. Some of the weirdest shit I have ever been a part of in my life. Wil called his girlfriend multiple times, screaming her name at the top of his lungs, and then when she said she needed to talk to her boyfriend, he threw a bigger shitfit than when he was grounded because he intentionally crapped in his pants and hid them so he didn’t have to miss any of the white sox game in 4^th grade (true story), and launched his phone across the parking lot because he thought she had another boyfriend. Good fucking work jackass.

Much love and appreciation to all the fans who put up with Reggie’s childish posts and enjoy Mr. Bombay’s intellectual thrillers. Pat Kennedy for being hit number 2000 and HPER enemy number one, Mark Titus just because I want to know if Dallas Lauderdale eats little children, Reggie for giving Wil the opportunity to be cooler than someone for a change, and the makers of Kamchatka for the awesome hole in my stomach.

God Bless America. Nut.

Blame Canada - Alec Kerr

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Like many of you I spent my time relentlessly searching for adderall and getting sympathy from my family thinking I was living at the library. Finally, so Alex “Whitey” Miller will stop bitching here it is…..

There are a few questions people will ask throughout time, and most will go unanswered, like: Why for 6 months of my high school career did I climb out of the sunroof of my car to get out instead of using the door? Why is this guy so awesome? Why do people laugh at me when I ride my Razor scooter to class? And why are Ruff, Reggie, Van Dyke, and myself so patriotic? (on a scale of 1 to Larry the cable guy we are more American than this girl by the way) Maybe because America has so much to love, Seinfeld was “about nothing” and became one of TV’s greatest shows. Fantasy sports, only in America can watching your favorite players turn into an obsession and make you hate Larry Johnson because he had to spit in the drink of that lady in 08’, get suspended 4 games, and cost me 20 dollars. COPS, possibly the greatest show ever, it will never get old, and if you watch in the coming years you might see Wil Van Dyke. Most importantly it is easy to love America because of our dominance in the Olympics.

As Ruff was in Indy making out with the girl who went stag to prom and still has braces, Reggie and I spent most of our time starting U-S-A chants, watching America control the medal scene, and making fun of the lame events. First off Luge and Skeleton, as far as I’m concerned are the same thing, and make me feel like I could be an Olympic athlete. Although those would be the last events I would compete in because the Skeleton is the gay man's Luge. Luge, on the other hand, is also the gay man's Luge. Curling has practically won over everyone’s heart, watching it makes me want to start my own team, especially when I saw they get a bigger crowd than Stavros Flately. (I found myself becoming a secret Denmark curling fan after I saw their hot curlers that reminded me of Becky “Icebox” O’shea, sure they are a little manly but I’m sure they clean up nice.)

The main event of the Olympics had to be the U.S. vs. Canada hockey game. I can’t decide what is less American, Reggie almost sleeping through the game, no one on my floor joining in on my U-S-A chants, or no one on my floor wanting to body paint an American flag on me (I may possibly live on the least patriotic floor at IU, which is sad but alright because I make up for it). The first period was akward since I don’t usually watch hockey I had the “you’re pretty far away, I’m not sure if I should hold the door, but I’ll feel like an ass if I don’t” feeling until I got into it. As I can assume many of us were watching the game, so there is no need for recollection (unless you live on Delgado ground floor, since none of you communism loving bastards watched it). Plain and simple Sidney Crosby is the devil spawn. I’m not sure how many true fans of Sidney Crosby there are out there, but in my eyes he is public enemy #1. Since he plays in the NHL I feel like the only solution is the opposing team should check him into the board on any chance they have, hit him with the stick at least once a game, and face guard him the whole game, ultimately ruining his career and making everyone realize America cannot be fucked with. And to Canada, honestly you can have the gold, at least we have a summer. If you want to brag about this win for the next 4 years go ahead, we took you to overtime in the sport you created. If your “football” league wants to take on the NFL, I’m sure you’ll see me front row hitting a Sidney Crosby piñata, drinking a beer, wearing this, and checking my phone to make sure Danica Patrick didn’t break the top 20 in the NASCAR race.

Many people have been asking me “Alec with your rising consideration for America, what’s your next step?” It’s a toss up right now. Sure I might end up on Tool Academy or Real World where I’m the unanimously hated douche that everyone wants out, but after some soul searching I change my ways, make amends, and win the hearts of millions. Followed by some rough years of partying, contracting STD’s, and having a sex tape get “leaked” which sparks my down fall. No one wants to see a washed up party animal, so luckily I get invited to be on the new installation of Surreal Life, get myself clean, and become America’s sweetheart again. I’ll be ending my career as the host of Survivor: Brooklyn, also known as Cracker Hunt, where 20 racist white people are placed in the heart of Brooklyn and compete in challenges for cash and immunity, letting contestants vote off other tribe members until one remains and becomes the “Soul Survivor”.

Another scenario is me getting the most patriotic job there is, the President of the United States. Now after the 0.0 my chances are unlikely but I’m sure I can manipulate some people in our government, sell the prized pokemon edition N64, or seduce several high ranking women to get myself in the cabinet. Naturally, it wouldn’t take me long to get rid of a lot of problems, as my first act I would rid of crime in this easy process. The Olsen twins, obviously great actors, cause me to watch countless hours of Full House and made Switching Goals one of my top 5 movies, after watching it last week. What does this have to do with anything? Well if you take these acting prodigies and put them on CSI, it will undoubtedly be the most watched show on TV. If you haven’t seen CSI lately, after watching it you won’t ever want to commit a crime, since they successfully find every culprit in a timely fashion, thus ridding of crime across the country.

Although most likely I’ll end up living in the trailer park much like my heroes Julian, Ricky, and Bubbles off of Trailer Park boys (the only good thing to come out of Canada). I’ll spend my days playing Golden Eye on 64, thinking of ridiculous get rich quick schemes, and waiting for the day Brett or Ted make the NFL and I can live in their basement playing Madden 18 hours out of the day. Making it to the Madden Challenge would be the obvious outcome, finally making something out of myself after the long road to success.

Several questions have been answered today and I only have an answer for one more. I’m sure in 20 years you’ll be asking yourself 1 of 3. Why the hell is there a 33^rd year of survivor and why is this tool hosting it? Why would they let this idiot have a say in our government? Or why is this worthless dude digging in my trash? Well just know it all started when Canada beat the United States in Hockey back in 2010, so don’t blame me, blame Canada.

Coming soon: Premature E-Shaqulators results in the intramural tournament. After two games I haven’t blogged about we remain undefeated, yet we are no longer in the tournament, and Pat Kennedy was ejected from a game and will not be hooking up with the HYPER worker that threw him out. Just a preview of the blog to come.

"Sure I've been called a xenophobe,but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism."

Update

Sorry I haven't been able to get up a new post lately. I should have a new one up by the end of the week.

But just case you’ve been wondering. (which you probably haven't) I found out what Matthew Ruffing has been up to lately. LINK

God Bless America more than any other country.
Jordan "Reggie" Kiel